Still hanging in.

I'm still here and everything seems to be OK.

Yesterday was a bit rough. All I could do was think about bad stuff. Yesterday was the first day that I actually thought about this becoming a reality and that's probably why my fear got the best of me.

Today seems to be a bit better, so far. I feel OK. Occasional waves of nausea (no action on that though, thank goodness), sore boobs, very sleepy, always in the potty, and a bit gassy (I know that's TMI, but if I can't say it here where else can I say it).

Thanks again for all of your well wishes on the last post. I am a comment whore and I think those were the most I'd ever gotten.

Hope all is well in the infertile kingdom.

143

That was the result from my second beta this morning. This calculated to a doubling time of 39.8 hours. Slightly better than the desired 48-72 hour doubling time averages.

I feel a little better yet still maintaining my cautious optimism. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 07/13. The ultrasound will be when I'm 6 weeks 3 days, I won't be completely heartbroken if there's no heartbeat because it still could be a bit early.

Thanks again for everyone's well wishes. They were all super thoughtful and I am so thankful to have all you ladies in my life.

I'm not sure what I'll do for the next 15 days, but I'm hoping that the time passes quickly.

I'm almost afraid to say it outloud

The results are in. The number is 62.9. I guess there's no denying it. I will go in for a repeat evaluation Tuesday.

Thank you all for all of your support. You ladies have truly been wonderful. I'm still cautiously optimistic about the circumstances. So far we are one week ahead of where we were this time last year. Once you've suffered a loss it's hard to have unbridled optimism about it.

I will do my best to remain sane. I hope the numbers on Tuesday do what they're supposed to do.

Enjoy your Sunday.

So here's what I've decided...

but I need your help with your opinions on execution. K?

I've decided that I will go for a beta tomorrow. The part I haven't decided is should I pretend that I understood that I was to take a pregnancy test on Sunday and come in for the beta or should I say that I can't make it Monday because I have an all day meeting that I can't be late for? This would mean that I come back on Tuesday for another beta to make sure everything is doubling as it should be.

I'm leaning more towards the meeting idea, it sounds better than the obsessed infertile "forgot" that she was supposed to come in on Monday not Sunday. What do you ladies think?

I was going to post a pic of the tests, but I just couldn't get the light right so that I could photograph the double lines. I know you all are going to think I'm insane, but I made the Husband take the same lot number and brand of pregnancy tests that I took to make sure that the lot wasn't defective. Can you tell I was a bit paranoid about the positive. I know it's crazy, but you'll be happy to know that Husband is not pregnant. Hope you guys have a great weekend.

Edited to add:
Of course this is all based on the assumption that tomorrow's test will be positive. We all know what happens when we assume...

The suspense is killing me...

So I tested this morning and there is still a line. That being said, I can't tell if my tunnel vision is making me think it's darker or that it actually is darker. So we're in the same boat still, nothing absolutley definitive. I will test again Sunday to see if anything has changed. If I don't get my period by Sunday, I will go in Monday for a beta test.

Would it have been too much to ask for for it to have been a definite yes or no, sheesh. If I can get some good pics I will see what you ladies think.

Still hanging in there, but may not be able to avoid the straight jacket for much longer.

Thanks for your encouraging comments.

You guys are awesome. I got so many well-wishing posts and I'm really touched. I have no other news and will be testing tomorrow so stay tuned for further details. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you.

WTF?!?!

So, as you all know, my plan was to test this morning. Always the scientist, my hope was to get a negative today so that I could create a baseline value so that any positive result after today would be definitive. Of course that didn't happen. I tested this morning with first morning urine and got a faint positive. Before you ask, it wasn't an obsessive, crack open the cassette, squint and observe in southeastern light positive, it was just a plain faint positive. Even the Husband saw it.

So, I turn this over to you highly experienced and educated ladies that have had hCG shots before, what gives? Everywhere I read it says to wait the full 14 days, but I know better than that, that's just the CTA (cover their ass, a derivative of CYA-cover your ass--not to be confused with the Chicago Transit Authority) response. I am 11 days past trigger, 10 days past presumed ovulation. I can't find any real data on when it should be out of my system. Of course, I found info on how long it takes for the hCG that's measured in mIUs to leave your system but I can't find any info for the 250 mcg shot of Ovidrel that I took. It figures.

I know I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but I really wanted today's result to be negative so there was no ambiguity when I tested this weekend.

I'm going to be true to my name...

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here and still sane, at least that I know of :)

Nothing new, nothing exciting. This weekend was pretty uneventful. We were supposed to start our house stuff but, as usual, we bought stuff and didn't do anything with it. Instead we went to dinner and to see Batman Begins. Awesome flick, I highly recommend it if you were a fan of the Batman series at any time.

La, la, la, la, la...I can't hear you.

I hate when smug fertiles are so loud. I have an office and A. stopped by to talk to me and rant a bit about my boss (no worries, my boss is a complete tool and will hopefully be out of here soon enough). As A. was talking to me a woman, who I don't know, was walking in the doors to the floor and A. leaves here immediately to say to her "why didn't you tell me." When infertiles hear these words we always know exactly what they're talking about. Of course, this woman is pregnant and is 18 weeks along. She's not even showing, if I were to have seen her around I never would have known. After jumping around and doing their little fertile handshake they proceed to stand outside of my office and talk, loudly I might add, all about her pregnancy. A. is a mother and has an almost 2 y.o. daughter. A. goes on and on talking about maternity clothes and how sweatpants became her favorite thing and how motherhood is great.

A. knows about our difficulties and at times can be caring and compassionate. Obviously, yesterday and today were not one of those days. Oh yes, today's actions just magnifies yesterday's flippant statement of "why don't you just adopt?" There is nothing wrong with adoption, I am so very happy for all of our adopting members in the kingdom, but I'm not ready for adoption just yet. We've barely started to scratch the surface of ART and I'd like to give it every chance we've got for a biological child. I'm not at all saying this to upset or offend our adoptive parents, this is just where I'm at right now.

So after the actions of yesterday and today, I think A. may have to go on "the list." You know what I'm talking about, the one where you put idiots who give the stupidest assvice. Welcome to "the list" A., I hope you enjoy your stay.

On another note, I broke down and tested Wednesday night, mostly so I could see the double lines. I'm a sucker for them and missed them. I haven't seen them in almost a year. I also wanted to make sure that the hCG was still in my system, I know I'm insane. I'm currently 5 dpIUI and 6 days past trigger. I'll probably test again Tuesday-Wednesday to make sure the hCG made it out of my system. I will do my for real testing next Sunday (26th). So stay tuned until then. My nips are even more sore than they were a few days ago, just in case you were wondering :)

Sensitive nips anyone?

I'm trying really hard to be good and not obsess about every twinge and pull, but one thing is on my mind. Seeing as I've never gotten the hCG trigger before, I need to know if any of you experienced sore nips after having the shot?

I need to know if this is a side effect of the hCG or if it's something else. My rational brain tells me it's way too early to be indicative of anything, but my irrational side keeps telling me that the only other time I experienced the sensitive nips was when I was pregnant last year. Last year's sensitive nips also started right after ovulation before implantation would've even taken place. I'm like a junkie looking for a fix. Please talk me down and tell me that you all experienced the sensitive nips after the hCG injection too.

If this is any indication of how the next 11 days are going to be, knock me out now and wake me up the 26th. I swore to myself I wasn't going to obsess.

Boring Update

So we're 2 dpIUI and there's really nothing to update. We made sure to have wild and crazy sex for the past three days, alright, alright it wasn't so wild and crazy but it was sex. I'm done now. I really wasn't feeling like doing it at all last night, but in the end it all worked out OK for the both of us :) So now, we wait. Nothing new going on other than waiting.

There have been many positives in the blogs I read and I just wanted to showcase them here so you can go over and wish them well.

Bugsy: She's in the process of telling her close family and friends that she's succeeded after her positive test June 9. Clomid and well timed sex was what did it for her. Congrats Bugsy, I'm so happy for you.

Mudbug: Again Clomid and well timed sex. She was about to get reamed from one end to the other too, so this was her last chance before all the fun of salpingograms, et all. She also won't have to decide the fate of Frankie the Fibroid. We'll have to wait 8 more months to figure out what she'll do with him. Congrats Mudbug, you sure did dodge the bullet on that one.

Hardscrabble: She's 13 days past retrieval today and she's been posting a home pregnancy test picture everyday. I wonder what today's will show. She has her beta tomorrow. Can't wait to see what the number will be. Congrats Hardscrabble, you've been fighting the good fight for so long, you deserve a good slice of pie.

Susie (It's not a habit.): Her 2nd ultrasound is tomorrow and she's nervous. At her initial ultrasound the doc saw 2 yolk sacks. She's hoping that there will still be 2 and hopefully 2 heartbeats to go along with them. She was on injectables plus IUI this cycle. Congrats Susie, I'm hoping and praying you finish the race with 2 babes in your arms.

Good luck to all our pregnant bloggers. I wish you well.

Insert Foot In Mouth!

Time to come and fess up.

At the appt today, there was one follicle that measured 18mm. So I got my trigger shot and will be inseminated tomorrow. I can't believe I'm here writing this. I thought for sure that this cycle would be a bust.

I feel like a pretty big tool for begging for sympathy yesterday only to have everything work out OK. So to everyone who commented yesterday a big, fat thanks to you. For all of those who were praying and thinking of me a big, fat thanks to you too. Whatever happened it worked. It's not the ideal that they look for (they like to see 2-3 follicles), but I'll take one over none any day. We at least have a chance this cycle. I'll take a small chance over no chance at all.

Thanks again for being wonderful and supportive. I promise I will try to not cry wolf anymore, but it becomes a defense mechanism after a while.

Hope all is well in the IF kingdom.

Why does it have to be so hard.

So as you all know, today was my monitoring appt for my second cycle. It doesn't look good. So far, everything is the same as it was last time. I have one follicle and it's measuring 14mm. I go back in on Saturday to confirm what I already know, I'm out again this cycle. This really sucks. There is a possibility that things may work out after all but my hope for this cycle is at an all time low. I guess if this cycle is a bust again it'll be more provera and a bigger Clomid dosage. When does it get easier? Rhetorical question folks, I know for some of us it never does.

So I'm having a pity party, gifts are not necessary but comments are welcomed and encouraged.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

I thought today's Dilbert was apropos to bloggers everywhere.

I already feel a little personal growth.

Enjoy!

SFU, anyone?

Are there any Six Feet Under fans out there? For those not in the know, SFU is about a family who owns a funeral home, the Fishers. It airs on HBO, used to be Sunday nights, but now has switched to Monday nights. I would highly recommend it. It leans towards dark drama and every episode starts with a death.

So about the show, I swear this actually has a point. Dad dies in the first episode, but makes periodic "appearances" to comment and have conversations with his kids and wife. All the children are grown. Nate, oldest, came back home to run the funeral home after Dad died. Nate was free-spirit and hippy-ish. David, middle, was always around to run the funeral home with Dad and never left home (he's gay), and Claire, youngest, wants to be an artist. She has a need-for-attention complex and always struggles to be very deep and moody, typical artist (no offense). Ruth, the mom, wants everything to be perfect. She's a fairly shy woman by nature, but she's had some good flare-ups on the show.

So moving right along, last night's episode was the first of the season. This is the last season of SFU. I started writing a whole lot about the episode and I just deleted it all because it would be too big of a story to tell because there's so much history. So I will get to the meat and potatoes of why this episode is of any importance here.

There was a wedding (Nate and Brenda), and the bride was pregnant at the time, she wakes the morning before her wedding and has started to miscarry. There were no specifics on how far along she was, but the day before she was doing the whole morning sickness thing. So she is being haunted by guilt over living a not-so-pious life and Nate's dead ex-wife, the mother of his ~2-3 year old daughter, keeps making "appearances" and saying everything Brenda is thinking. Now, I've had a miscarriage and it was awful, I think SFU captured the awful part pretty well. This episode made me totally grateful for not having to deal with a miscarriage the day of my wedding. Small things, people.

So the other Fisher brother, David, is gay and he has a steady guy, Keith. They've been wanting to start a family and have been discussing adoption and surrogacy. David wants adoption because he feels like there are too many kids in the world with no home and why have your own if there are many in need. Keith, on the other hand, would like his own child and while he's not opposed to adoption he really wants his own. So there's talking and a bit of yelling, but in the end, they decide to do both. I'm sure the episode didn't touch nearly the decision making process that adoptive parents and surro parents go through, but at least they touched on it.

So, the reason I wrote about the SFU episode that aired last night was because it was one that hit home for me and probably for some of you. It's just nice to see stuff like that out there. Just like the new show that will be starting on NBC this fall, Inconceivable, even if they get it dead wrong, at least it's out there. I will be watching it, I know many of you won't be, but I will be watching it to see what they are and aren't getting right.

That's it. I hope I haven't offended anyone too badly.

I start ultrasound monitoring Thursday morning, can't wait to start this again. I hope this one works out better than the first.

Back on track.

Hello ladies (and possibly Husband),

Just wanted to do a quick update. I'm now on CD 5 and will go in Thursday, June 9 to start monitoring. I've had 2 doses of 100mg Clomid and seem to be hanging in there, we'll see what the subsequent doses do.

That's it, nothing exciting. Just more waiting. At least we're having beautiful weather in Chicago so I can enjoy the waiting in nice weather.

PS-send some good news vibes to Susie over at It's not a habit. She's already had a positive pg test and she's waiting to hear what her beta results are.