Plain Jane has a family...now what?!?!?

After 3 years of infertility, now learning how to be a mom.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Not Excited Enough?

So my mom called yesterday with her standard "how are you doing" phone call. I told her the truth, I was feeling great, Fish is still moving around like crazy, feeling a bit overwhelmed after a trip to Babies R Us to shop for a shower gift for my cousin, nothing much more than that. Then, she hits me with the whopper of "I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you're not as excited about this pregnancy as you were about the first. Maybe it's time to seek professional help." I had no words, no witty retort, nothing. My jaw just hung open. The only response I could muster was "I'm not a generally excitable person." It's the truth. I try to live my life very mellowly with little drama. My family provides enough drama, the last thing I need to do is add to it.

So, after getting off the phone, I start second guessing myself. How are you supposed to behave when you're pregnant? Am I not excited enough? I asked the husband what he thought. His reply was as expected, "your mom is insane, why do you talk to her." Of course he had other reasons backing his claim up, but the question was still ringing in my head. He really doesn't know any more than I do about the whole "how you're supposed to behave when you're pregnant" thing. So I pose this question to all of you, what should I be doing?

I feel like I'm at the point after infertility where I just want to be normal for a little while. Aren't I entitled to that? I don't feel that every other word that comes out of my mouth should be baby because I'm still a wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I want to just be me for a little while. I just want to be a wife for a little while. Do these thoughts run in contradiction to being pregnant and hopefully a mother? I really hope they don't. If they do, I'm hella screwed.

Infertility is a bitch and it takes so much from you. Is it too much to ask to be able to go back to being you for a little while before life takes another huge change with parenthood? Does this make me sound ungrateful for the wonderful gift we've been given? I truly hope not.

I'm taking advantage of the time we have before Fish arrives. I want to enjoy my husband, I want to enjoy myself. I don't feel like in order for me to show excitement that I have to talk about the baby in every sentence. Isn't it enough that I show the u/s pictures to anyone/everyone who inquires? I'm having a great pregnancy and have no maladies. Should I make some up so I can talk about the pregnancy even more? I don't want to be one of those pregnant women, or parents for that matter, that can't have a conversation that doesn't revolve around the child/ren. (Please take no offense if you lump yourself in with that category, if it weren't for people like you, people like me would never talk about their pregnancies, children, etc)

I just don't know how to react to what my mom said. I've always had issues with my mom and falling short of her expectations. I guess I've fallen short again. It's something I should be used to, but this one hit to the core. It's like she's questioning my love for this very much wanted and cared for Fish.

Sorry for the long, disjointed post. As you can see, I'm not done processing this and am just not sure how I will proceed with dealing with her.

Update on house projects: I know you'll all be so surprised, but I haven't done a damn thing. I really do work well under a deadline, so we'll see what happens as December 3rd draws near.

11 Comments:

  • At 11/07/2005 3:45 PM, Anonymous Jenn said…

    What you said makes perfect sense to me. I also can't stand people who lose their whole identity in their chilren. I think you're normal, but what do I know? ;)

     
  • At 11/07/2005 4:03 PM, Blogger K&M said…

    I think you are wise to enjoy this time to yourself and with the dh. Things will change in so many ways when Fish gets here, and honestly, there just won't be time for much couple time for a while. You celebrate and enjoy this pg however you danged well feel like it. And tell momma to jump in a lake.

     
  • At 11/07/2005 4:11 PM, Blogger Susie said…

    I am so sorry your mom said such a stupid thing to you. You are having a great pregnancy so far. You're feeling good, you're doing things you want and need to do, you're using this time to prepare for parenthood in the best way for you. It's a shame she can't just be happy for you (and for herself) rather than looking for something to criticize. Listen to your husband, he's right about this...

     
  • At 11/07/2005 5:52 PM, Blogger Karen said…

    Sheesh, PJ Mom, lighten up! It's perfectly natural to protect yourself a little bit when you're pregnant after fertility problems. And I think what you say about "me" time makes perfect sense.

     
  • At 11/08/2005 11:28 AM, Anonymous T said…

    Absolutely normal - but look who that's coming from. Love, love, love your husband's response - sounds like something mine would say.

    Sometimes our mothers try to live through us - they can't though.

    Just live for yourself. Funny, I wrote something similar a little while ago!

     
  • At 11/09/2005 9:35 PM, Blogger Tiff said…

    HAHAHA, that comment from your hubby make me laugh. "why do you talk to her?"
    I am sorry that she threw that at you. You can be as chill as you need/want to be, ok?!

     
  • At 11/10/2005 2:50 PM, Blogger April said…

    I think it's only natural to be reserved given what you've gone through. It's a coping mechanism, and personally - from the sliver of your life that we see here - I think you're doing splendidly.

     
  • At 11/11/2005 4:07 PM, Blogger Jackie said…

    I stumbled across your blog through a very convoluted route, but your recent entry grabbed my attention. As I totally unbiased outsider I can honestly say you are perfectly normal!

    We didn't think we'd be able to have children. We tried several things and had begun to discuss adoption. You can probably relate to all the emotions we went through when I got those 2 pink lines. I was consumed with pregnancy thoughts, BUT (especially at work) I didnt' want to be one of "those people" who annoy everyone to death by talking about the same thing all the time. So lots of people thought I wasn't excited. And later in my pregnancy, I don't want to say I was bored with it all, but I wanted to just be me. Like you said, your life changes so dramatically after the little one arrives, you realize you want to cling to the old life you're used to just a little longer.

    So sorry you have issues with your mother, but it sounds like your husband is great. Just rely on the support you do have and don't let your mom or anyone else get to you. As long as you don't have feelings/urges to harm yourself or anyone else, I say they are your feelings and perfectly healthy!

     
  • At 11/15/2005 4:39 PM, Blogger Julie said…

    I'm w/your husband... why do you talk to her? (ok - pot meet kettle). I'm sorry sweetie.

     
  • At 11/16/2005 1:28 PM, Blogger Suz said…

    I've gotten the same thing from my mom - Why aren't you more excited? Isn't it WONDERFUL that it's going so well? You're going to be a mom, you should be more excited?

    I don't like it any more than you do. The truth of the matter is that my mom never understood our infertility, as many times as I tried to explain it to her. And as many times as I try to justify my reaction (or lack thereof), she just doesn't get it either. I wish she did, but she just doesn't.

     
  • At 11/16/2005 3:39 PM, Blogger tania said…

    What you are feeling is exactly what you should be feeling. (And that would be the case regardless of what yoyu were feeling)

    My advice would be to try really hard to smile and nod when your mom says stuff like that. Because pretty soon it's your parenting skills that she will be calling into question. And let me tell you, it's hard enough to figure it out on your own without taking everything that everyone else thinks to heart.

    Enjoy your pregnancy as we all know you are doing - but like you said enjoy even more the last few months that you and your husband are just you and your husband. The dynamic will change when that little babe comes out into the world and while it's wonderful it's different and it's not easy.

    Take care of yourself!

     

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