Plain Jane has a what?!?!?

After 3 years of infertility, now learning how to be a mom.

Monday, April 18, 2005

More confessions

I have another confession for you…my husband doesn’t know about my blog. I mean he knows that I read several, hard to hide that on a Saturday morning when he comes down and sees bloglines open. I think hiding this from him will become harder and harder. He thinks blogs are self-absorbed rantings. I agree with him to a certain extent, but they are also a source of support for those of us on infertility island. I’m also having a hard time with it because we share everything. I have to give a bit of our history here for you to understand exactly what I mean.

Let me begin by throwing some numbers out there. We’ve known each other for 20 years, we’ve dated for 10, and we’ve been married 3 ½. I will also throw our ages in there, I am 26 and he is 25 (we’ll be 27 and 26 in August).

Our story begins in 2nd grade, I was new to the area and had moved around quite a bit before then. I was used to being the new girl. I’ve always been a bigger girl and I hated being the new, fat girl. Being the new, fat girl more often than I’d have liked gave me a really tough exterior. I remember being young and just hating everyone at a new school. In retrospect, I realize it was my defense mechanism, but at 7 years old you just don’t think about stuff like that. So I remember him from grade school and I hated him and was mean to him, just like everyone else. According to him, he hated me too. He specifically remembers an incident where the teacher had us draw stuff on the chalkboard and I made fun of his drawing. I don’t specifically remember this, but I believe him. He also tells me that he remembers using a Quija board with one of his friends and he asked it who he was going to marry and it said me. That’s freaky thing #1. (You better keep tally, they add up) My mom decided to transfer me from that school a few years later because it wasn’t challenging me enough. So I left that school at the end of fourth grade and started a new one in fifth grade. Yay, I got to be the new, fat girl...again. Husband left the school in fifth grade and went to a new school in the sixth grade. Very odd thing (freaky thing #2) about the new schools we both went to was that they were considered sister schools and often went on outings together. I never saw him at an outing but he swears we experienced the same things.

**Side note about the 1-year age difference. He was double promoted in grade school. When I went to the school in 2nd grade he was in 1st grade. He totally skipped 2nd grade and was in my class for 3rd grade. He is a super smart guy and that’s just another thing I love about him.**

So now we fast-forward a few years to high school…in 7th and 8th grade, I swore up and down and was very much looking forward to attending a high school not too far from where I lived, we’ll call this place C. I had big plans for myself at C. I had gone to all the orientations and get-to-know you stuff. I was going to get involved in the performing arts program they had there (the perfect thing to get involved in as I’m not a very creative person-I figured it could help fan any creative spark I may have). I was ready to go. Do not ask me what happened, because I, myself, do not know what happened. I swear it was like the movie “The Butterfly Effect” like I had a blackout moment and don’t know where the decision to change high schools came from. I wind up going to a completely different high school and it was way far from my house (freaky thing #3). As a side note, this high school was also far from husband’s house too, he was also supposed to go to a different school.

Since we were both relatively smart people, we both wind up in these high honors courses. Not just honors courses, we were in high honors courses, yes we were both super nerds. We are informed that there is only one high honors course for the whole school. So here we are, this group of 30 kids that will probably be together until we graduate. Some were lost and added along the way, but there were about 23 consistently there. Husband and I were among the core 23. Our first meeting was in study hall where I keenly observed and said to him “hey, you used to go to ___ school,” to which he replied “yeah.” He was really verbose (note the sarcasm). That was about all we said to each other during freshmen and sophomore year. He hung around with a completely different group of people. So, junior year comes around and we, of course, have chemistry class together (it’s ironic isn’t it, that we would have chemistry class together and that’s where our romance begins). I start talking to him and realize that he’s a really nice guy and he starts counseling me on my love life. At the time, I was dating a guy that wasn’t good for me. He was physically abusive and when you have the fat girl mentality you think any attention is better than no attention at all. So along comes husband, who is nice and listens and actually cares enough about me to tell me that this guy is no good. So I start to develop feelings for him. This happens during the early part of junior year. So over the course of that year, my feelings deepen and I started flirting. Of course, husband is a thick as a brick and doesn’t read the signals. It takes all junior year and we don’t officially start dating until July.

So things go along well for a few months and I decide, don’t ask where I get this from, that I want to lose my virginity soon. Of course I don’t say anything to husband about it, I expect him to be like any typical teenage boy and be all over it when we start dating. Well he decides that he wants to take things slow as he’s already ruined a relationship because he took things too quickly. I want none of that and immediately break up with him. I turn in to semi-slut, I lost my virginity to some guy at a party when both he and I were in a drunken stupor. In the light of day, I realize that he is a 28, ex-navy loser who still lives at home. Oh if I’d only had that 20/20 vision before. So here I am, a big, stupid idiot who broke things off with a genuinely nice guy and now what. Husband would not speak to me. He hated me and did everything he could to get his seating assignments changed. It was a hard thing because I, of course, wanted to be friends. He wasn’t having any of it. Finally I broke down, I went to a teacher that we both respected and that we had a class with that year and asked for his intervention. I will forever be grateful to Mr. Palmer. He’d known the both of us since we were wee freshmen and he was one of the 2 teachers that actually challenged and engaged us as a class. So Mr. Palmer is the one that talked some sense in to husband. In December of senior year, we finally got back together and all has been right with the world ever since.

I love my husband and can’t imagine my life without him. He truly is my best friend. We’ve shared everything together and now I have my blog. I almost feel as though I’m cheating on him.

I have a feeling that one day the cat will be out of the bag and my blog will be discovered. I only hope he takes it in stride. I also hope that MIL doesn't find the blog because we never told her the reason why I broke up with him. God help me if she does, cuz I will sure have some explaining to do.

Hope I didn’t bore you all to death. It’s just another piece of me that you now know.


  • At 4/20/2005 3:50 PM, Blogger Suz said…

    I told my husband about my blog about a month after starting it. He asked if it would be something that he'd like to read and I said "no." He's respected this and hasn't come near it.

    Blogging has helped our marriage. It's given me a support structure other than him; not to say that he's not supportive - he is, but it's asking too much of one individual to be that supportive ALL of the TIME.

    Which is frequently when I need it.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home