Plain Jane has a family...now what?!?!?

Wow, where has the time gone?!?!

2007-08-30T15:55:00.000-05:00

I just logged in to blogger because I was reading a password protected blog and realized it has been over 4!! months since my last post. I couldn't believe it.

Everything has been going really well. Work is good. Joe is getting bigger by the day (he'll be 18 months in 2 weeks). All in all, I have no complaints about anything.

Yesterday was my birthday, I am now 29 years old. When I was younger, I never really thought about what I would be at a given age. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, it's just nothing that was ever at the forefront of my mind. Like even now, I don't really imagine myself at 40 or at 50. I can imagine Joe growing up, I just can't picture myself at that time.

I read a lot more blogs right now. Some of them mommy blogs, since most of the ladies that I started TTCing blogs with are now all mommas. My new favorite blog type to read are the food/recipe blogs. It's funny, with the food/recipe blogs also comes with it the frugality blogs, which then also stems into the Christian blogs. It's interesting to see how all of those things tie into each other. I guess it's interesting to me because I'm not particulary religious that I subscribe to these blogs. I was raised Catholic, but don't go to church. The husband believes in something, but not organized religion.

So that's about it. I have about 3 posts brewing in my head at any given time, but as you can see, none of them ever make it to my blog.

Selfish

2007-04-25T16:34:00.000-05:00

I religiously read my RSS feeds and get bored when I have no feeds left to read, so I figure it's time to return the favor by actually posting something of my own. It's a novel idea, I know.

So to catch you up a bit:

We had a birthday party for Joe on March 11th. There were 75 people in attendance. I don't think I saw him once that day other than to put his cake in front of him. It was an overwhelming day for all invloved and I was glad when it was over. I think this gets me off the birthday hook till he's at least 5, right? This was the picture that went on his invitations

We just got back from Ireland the 14th of April. It is an amazing country. They really do love kids there. They were very considerate of Joe and never once was his stroller kicked or were we given the eye-roll because he was in a restaurant. The scenery is breathtaking and all of the pictures you've ever seen don't do the country justice. Now that my feet have gotten wet for European travel, I can't wait to do it again.

I nursed Joe for the last time on the 19 of April. It was just a random day and, at the time, I didn't realize it would the last time, but I made the decision on the 20th to see how it would be if I didn't nurse him to sleep and he was OK. So the 19th was the last day. I was/am sad about it, but I also didn't want to get to the point where he absolutely had to nurse or he wouldn't sleep.

I haven't had a period since May 28, 2005. Yep, you're reading it right, almost 2 years. The only reason I remember the date is because it's the holy grail that gets you into your appointments to see the OB. So I had my annual about a month ago and decided that I would try the NuvaR1ng for birth control. I thought I had convinced myself that I wasn't going to go back on any sort of hormonal birth control, but I. HATE. CONDOMS!!!! And let's face it, the pull-out method we've been using as of late isn't so reliable, not that I think I'm fertile or anything, but I don't want to tempt the fates. So I was toying around with the idea of a M1rena but didn't know if it would be worth it to have it taken out in just a couple years. I did some research and thought I'd give the ring a try. Now, I'm currently taking provera to have a period and once that happens I will give the ring a try. If there's anyone out there who has experience with the ring, good or bad, let me know.

I'm still working full-time and two of those days I work from home and it's getting even more difficult with Joseph's increasing mobility and curiosity. It's still worth it most days.

I won't leave you with any empty promises of posting more often, but I will post again.

Off to see the Isle, the wonderful Isle of Green

2007-01-12T15:07:00.000-06:00

I know, lame title, I was seriously lacking in inspiration. We're vacationing in Ireland for 10 days. We're leaving 04 April and returning 14 April. I vacillate between beyond excited to what the hell was I thinking, Joe will only be just over a year.

This is a huge family trip. My maternal Gramma, my Mom (plus her 3 kids [my half siblings] aged 14, 10, and 6), my Aunt and Uncle (plus their 3 kids aged 13, 10, and 8), and myself, the Husband, and Joe. It's quite the brood we're traveling with. So, if you're a math wizard, that makes 13 total with more than half being children. So the reason we're going is that my great-Gramma is from Ireland (county Cork) and my Gramma has been in contact with some relatives over there. From what I understand, my great-Gramma's house is still in their possession. How freaking cool is that. My great-Gramma was born in 1907 and her house is still standing. My Gramma has wanted to go to Ireland for as long as I can remember and she is the other reason I agreed to go.

Now for the particulars, we're flying into Dublin and staying there for a couple days. We're staying at the Jury's D0yle Ballsbr1dge Hotel (I know, the Husband and I had a good chuckle over the name of it too) in Dublin. Then we're driving to Killarney and staying at the Randle's C0urt H0tel. Finally, we're going to Galway and staying at Ard1laun H0use H0tel. If anyone has any past experience, good or bad, with these places, let me know. We are then flying out of Shannon to go home.

Aside from the family visits, we'll be doing touristy stuff while we're there, Waterf0rd Crystal, Gu1nness tour, etc. Since I've never been to Ireland before (I've barely been out of the US), what else is there to do? Are there any must sees/dos/etc?

Also, for all you jetsetters with babies out there, are there any tips you can give me for an 8-hour flight with a just over one year old?

Another Personality Quiz

2006-12-30T12:00:00.000-06:00

I am a fan of personality quizzes. I am always looking for different ways for things to analyze me. Here are the results from the one Tertia posted today. You should go try.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	53%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|	16%
Artistic	\|\|	10%
Religious	\|\|\|\|	16%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Adventurousness	\|\|	10%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|	16%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|	16%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Physical Fitness	\|\|	10%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Two days in a row!!!

2006-12-11T17:41:00.000-06:00

I don't want anyone to be spoiled, but yes, I've now posted two days in a row. It's amazing isn't it. I also regret to inform everyone that I need to turn on the word verification, although, it's probably good punishment to get those dummy posts.

Doctor's visit went as expected. I expected her to tell me not to worry about anything and give it time. I think that's the doctor's first recommendation for everything, kinda like the help desk guy telling you to reboot, no matter what the problem is. So, that's what I'll do. Especially since Googling didn't bring any usable results anyway. Today's been good so far no puking; all food has stayed inside.

Since I have nothing substantive to say, I will let Joe do the talking for me. Here are some random shots.

Joe was the Incred1ble Hulk for Halloween. It was a pretty cute costume.

This is a natural mohawk. He takes a nap right after bath time and this was the sight after his bath a couple weeks ago.

Yes, he bathes in the kitchen sink. every. single. day. My husband doesn't mind it because it means that I do the dishes and wash the sink everyday he's home with me.

And this is a typical snorty face. It's really cute, he breathes in and out through his nose while making that face. It's a face only a momma could love.

Remember Me :)

2006-12-10T15:48:00.000-06:00

I am embarrassed of myself. I can't believe it's been five months since my last post. I don't blame any of you who've jumped ship, it's worse than the T1tan1c.

As for what's been going on...everything and nothing. Joe continues to amaze me, every. single. day! He's quite mobile now and has no fear of anything. He's a crawling machine and pulls himself up everywhere he can. He has three teeth (2 bottom and 1 top one), I think that fourth one will be coming in anytime now. Oh yeah, he's nine months old as of tomorrow. Time really has flown. He looks like both me and the husband, really a good mix. He's full of smiles and says the word "uh oh" a lot. He actually knows what it means and when to use it, and he makes sure to use it deliberately when he drops stuff from his high chair. I'll have more stats for you after his 9-month visit tomorrow.

The only concern I have for my dear boy is that he tends to puke up whole meals. Yes, that's right whole meals. So if you thought baby food was gross going in, just imagine it coming up and out again. I've exercised my G00gle doctorate and haven't found much that applies to him. He wasn't premature and he doesn't have FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) so Dr. Google is at a loss. I'm thinking (hoping) that he just has a very sensitive gag reflex since most of the puking incidents seem to be while eating regular table food. I'm always very cautious to make sure the bites are manageably (is this even a word?) sized. I'm hoping the doctor will have some ideas. I don't think it's an allergy either because there doesn't seem to be a pattern to his puking. I'm really trying not to stress about it, but sometimes I can't help it.

So, onto me. I am now working full-time. The gloriousness of this is that I only have to be in the office two days a week and work from home the other three (or five, depending on what's going on). If any of you remember, I am still a contractor. They are talking about making me a real live employee at which time I will bump it up to 3-10 hour days in the office with the remaining time being ~~served~~ worked at home. I feel quite fortunate to have this option and I work damn hard to make sure my other full-time, in-the-office colleagues feel like I'm pulling my weight. It's a hard balance to strike. I know I do good work, but I feel like I have to put in 200% because I'm not in the office all week. On the flip-side though I love working, I think I'm one of those people who needs that outside fulfillment. To each their own in this department, it's what makes the world go round. I love the time I spend with Joe too. Being away from him allows me to miss him and I treasure every moment I'm with him.

We had family pics taken yesterday. I was so disappointed with our photographer. The P1cture Pe0ple usually take really good, creative pics. This was so not the case yesterday. Our photographer was so not interested in being there. He was a twenty-something with spikey hair. I understand the feeling of not wanting to work, but come on, at least make the effort and go get a photographer that can make a kid smile and maybe consider another approach when you see that sticking the feather duster in my kid's face didn't work the first fifty times you did it, why would it work the last?!? Anywho...I should stop talking about this now, I need to save up my reserves for tomorrow when I call the store manager.

Here was one of two good family shots. I know it's decent, I just wanted more shots to choose from. Joe didn't smile in any of them.

k ,kj m.,hjymuikfbgb nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Just in case you needed translation, Joe says hi.

Probably should go now, blogging and breastfeeding a nine-month old don't mix. I really hope to post again soon.

2006-05-16T11:26:00.000-05:00

Easter Joe

He's gonna be a plummer. Poor guy, he's got nothing to keep that diaper up.

Devlish smile that Momma loves.

If they were only this easy to come by.

Easter Family Picture

Snoopy and Joe, BFF

Momma and Joe, officially not anonymous anymore.

This is how the boy sucks his thumb. I don't get it. We've even tried to help him curl his fingers, but he prefers to claw his face.

Another devlish smile pose. How can you say no to a face like that.

Momma and Joe sleeping on the couch, all is well with the world.

Two months and counting...

2006-05-15T11:44:00.000-05:00

So it's been 2 months now since my life changed forever. It's been an amazing 2 months. Joseph (aka, snugglebug, I know this name may cause problems in kindergarten, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it) continues to amaze me. He's smiling and cooing all the time. Holding his head up and loves to stand. He's mostly sleeping through the night, (I know as soon as a write this I'll be sentenced to a month of nightly feedings) from about 10 to 7.

Breastfeeding is finally going well. It was a challenge for me for the first several weeks. He seemed to be a natural at it, but with my flat nipples it proved to take some time for it to be comfortable. It was pretty painful for about 7 weeks and then it got better. Another difficulty I had to overcome was my large breasts and where my nipples were located on them. They only went up a cup size so I went from a DD to an F (triple D), but the location of the nipple on my breast I think was the real issue. I still can't do a regular cradle hold because if I did I would suffocate the boy. I do a modified football hold where he essentially sits underneath my breast so his belly is touching my breast. I know it sounds crazy and the visual you have in your head at this point is probably pretty comical, but I figure hey whatever works. The double electric Medela pump has been quite useful. I'm only going back to work part-time, but I already have quite a stockpile of milk in the fridge thanks to that double-pumping action. I will admit though, I feel like a cow at the dairy when I'm hooked up to it. So much so that I switch from being a mommy to being a moomy.

He had his 2 month doctor's visit on Friday and got his first set of vaccinations. He cried, I cried, and then we rocked back and forth. It's a hard thing to watch. That was the most awful thing he's experienced thus far in his little life. I can't wait to do it all again in a couple months. As for his particulars he's 14 lbs. 2 oz, 24 inches long/tall, and he's in the 90-95 percentile on the growth charts. He's doing well.

All in all, I'm loving every minute of this new gig. It took me a while to believe he was actually here and actually mine. I still have a hard time believing this isn't one big baby-sitting job. I watch him sleep a lot, even during times I know that I should be sleeping. I can't help it. Everyday makes it a little more real.

I'll be going back to work the week of June 5th, my how these 12 weeks have flown. I'm having mixed emotions about it. I love all of the people I work with and miss them. I also miss the adult interaction and the feeling of being needed (on a professional level). I'll also miss being with him 24 hours a day and seeing him discover the world minute-by-minute. I'll be leaving him in the very capable hands of his Gramma, but it will not be ME that's doing it and that's what I'm having a hard time with.

That's it for now. I can't promise more frequent updates, but I can promise that I will update. It totally get wanting to know how it "ends," so I won't be shutting down all together. You ladies have been fantastic and I'd hate to lose the community here because you all are a great group of gals. I'll post pictures soon.

Baby has arrived.

2006-03-15T18:20:00.000-06:00

It's a BOY!!!!!!!! Joseph Thomas made his entrance into the world after 11 hours of labor and 1 1/2 hours of pushing on Saturday, March 11 at 3:07 am. He weighed in at 8 lbs 15 oz and 22" long.

We are all doing well and adjusting to life with him. The whole experience was absoultely amazing. I can't believe my body is capable of such things.

So here's the more expanded version of the events:
As you all know, we had a regular appt on Friday (March 10) to see how things were going. At the appt, doc said I was 80% effaced and 3cm dilated. So progress, but still no regular contractions. Baby was doing well on the monitor and the last step of the appt was the u/s. The u/s was to determine if there was enough amniotic fluid to keep him sustained until they could schedule an induction. There was only a little bit of amniotic fluid left so doctor said let's induce you today. It was a bit of a shock. I know we were overdue and everything, it was just a shock.

So we walked over to the hospital and got into a room by 4:30 pm. The nurses struggled a bit to find a vein in my arm. I really didn't want a hand vein as they can be a bit painful, so they worked on it for about a half hour and they found one. Since it took so long to find a vein, the pitocin wasn't started until 6:30 pm. I had been mildly contracting even without the pitocin because the doc stripped my membranes again. Once the pitocin started, it regulated the contractions and definitely made them stronger right away. They also broke my water bag.

I requested the epidural at about 8 pm. I was not completely decided about pain meds before I went in. I figured I'd play it by ear. Well, the pitocin made the decision for me and I wanted the epidural. My epidural was phenomenal and I would definitely have another. The relief was instantaneous and wonderful. I also made the decision that if I was going to have an epidural, I was not going to feel even a moment of pain. At about 12 am I started feeling little twinges, I immediately had the anesthesiologist paged and he was in a few moments later to give another dose of meds. That last dose must've been an extra big dose because when the doc wanted me to turn over onto my other side, I couldn't even move my legs. It was hilarious. The doc had just checked me and I was at 8cm. Without the epidural, I have a feeling I wouldn't have been as amused with that situation.

I was completely dilated and effaced by 1:30 am. It was time to start to push. I have to admit, I was not looking forward to the pushing part. I really didn't know if I would be able to do it. Well, the constipation I'd been battling in the weeks before his birth was definitely preparation. It really is like taking the biggest poop of your life.

And now, without further ado, I present to you Joseph Thomas

Still here, still pregnant...

2006-03-07T17:04:00.000-06:00

It has been way, way, way too long since I’ve updated last. Things at work have been extremely insane since I last posted. I finally feel like I can leave now. I guess that’s a good thing considering I’m almost THREE DAYS OVERDUE!!!!!

I guess I can’t complain too much. At this point it’s all a mental thing. I’m not too uncomfortable, still sleeping relatively well through the night, and still in relatively good spirits. I just want to meet this baby. I want to know what/who it looks like, I want to know if it is a boy or girl. I’m just so anxious. I know a very small percentage of ladies actually deliver on their due dates, I just thought I might get lucky and be in that very small percentage.

Even though I haven’t been posting much, I have been keeping up on my reading. I also haven’t been commenting nearly as much as I used to, but again that’s because there’s time to read and that’s about it. You ladies have a lot of interesting things going on.

This pregnancy has been wonderful. I haven’t had any of the typical discomforts of pregnancy. No swelling, no heartburn, no peeing a million times in the middle of the night, all in all very uncomplicated. It’s hard to write when there’s nothing wrong, that’s another reason my posts have been lacking.

At this point, I’ve been contracting mildly for the past 2 weeks, stronger lately though. At my last appointment I was 1-2 cm dilated and the doctor stripped my membranes. That experience was not as painful as I was expecting. Maybe that was just a sign that it wasn’t gonna work. We’ve been doing everything in the book to get this labor going; sex, orgasm, nipple stimulation, spicy foods, walking, doing housework, moving furniture, etc. Nothing has worked.

So here’s the plan for the overdone baby. I have my weekly doctor’s appointment on Friday (40w 5d). This won’t be the typical pee, weight, and bp visit. From what the doctor said last week, they’ll hook me up to the monitors, monitor the contractions and baby’s heart rate, and I get an ultrasound. I assume the ultrasound is to see how big baby is. At this point, I have no idea how big this kid is.

Now we just wait...

For all of you who sent me e-mails checking in on me, I truly, truly appreciate it. I really didn’t mean to leave you all hanging for the season finale. Hopefully I’ll have a story to share very soon.

I'm still alive, I promise.

2005-12-28T15:05:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's been more than a month since my last post. Time really has flown.

To catch you all up to date, I'm 30 weeks 3 days. I feel fabulous. Still wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes and no one I haven't explicitly told knows. It's kinda nice to have this as a secret still. I don't have to worry about the uninvited tummy rubs (which, for a big girl, make you wince) or the assvice about labor, child rearing, etc. I'm moving right along and couldn't be happier. I passed the 1-hour glucose test with flying colors (87). I may have to credit that to the metformin I'm still taking though. I'll take what I can get. Fish is moving around a ton and I still am amazed every time I feel it.

So, now to catch you all up on other goings-on.

1.) Furniture was delivered successfully on December 3rd. As I predicted, we worked our asses off the week before it was due to paint and finish the woodwork in the frontroom and bedroom. Needless to say, I don't think we went to bed before 2 am any of those nights, but still had to be up at 5:30 for work, UGH! I'm glad it is done, but it really makes me not look forward to doing this in the office and baby's room. I will post before and after pics some time soon, I hope. I love all of our furniture, but it's so much bigger in our house than it was in the showroom.
2.) Work is still coming in at an alarming pace and everytime I turn around something else is not right, needs to be done, or is falling apart. I have a bit of a reprieve this week because everyone is on vacation, that's why I even have time to write a blog entry.
3.) Christmas was wonderful. My family came over to celebrate on Christmas Eve and we went to Husband's family on Christmas day. This has been the standard division of the holiday since we started dating. I was a bit worried with the new frontroom furniture that something disastrous would happen, but everything was fine. No big damage. I ran out of time before Christmas and didn't even get a chance to put a tree or any of our decorations up, but it all turned out well. Santa brought me a beautiful watch and a scanner for the computer so I can start scanning our non-digital photos. Don't know when I'll get around to that, but at least I have the scanner now.

Next on the to-do list will be registering for baby stuff, reorganizing our house to make room for the baby's room, and preparing the baby's room and office. So much to do, so little time to do it in. My prediction for this time around is that I'll still be painting while I'm in labor. Nothing like a little procrastination to get the blood flowing.

Work has hit the proverbial fan!

2005-11-18T07:39:00.000-06:00

Hi all. You may not be hearing from me much in the next month or so because everything at work has hit the fan. My boss, a lady I didn't like very much and had no respect for, was fired on Monday. One might think that is excellent news and it is, it really is. The bad thing about it is it came on the heels of the only other person in the group's last day, which was Friday. Needless to say, things have been a wee bit hectic around here. Good news is it most likely means a permanent (ie, not contract) position for me. Something I've been looking for for a while.

Had my 24-week checkup on Monday. Everything looks great. My weight is good, my pee is good, baby weighs almost 2 lbs. All is good.

So to keep you occupied I've taken the momma quiz:

You're a punk rock mommy! DIY is probably your
motto, because you're a punk mama at heart.
Your kids are getting your independent spirit
and guts, and learning to solve problems
themselves. You love it when they show their
independence, even when it's breaking your
heart.

What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by

Not Excited Enough?

2005-11-07T14:16:00.000-06:00

So my mom called yesterday with her standard "how are you doing" phone call. I told her the truth, I was feeling great, Fish is still moving around like crazy, feeling a bit overwhelmed after a trip to Babies R Us to shop for a shower gift for my cousin, nothing much more than that. Then, she hits me with the whopper of "I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you're not as excited about this pregnancy as you were about the first. Maybe it's time to seek professional help." I had no words, no witty retort, nothing. My jaw just hung open. The only response I could muster was "I'm not a generally excitable person." It's the truth. I try to live my life very mellowly with little drama. My family provides enough drama, the last thing I need to do is add to it.

So, after getting off the phone, I start second guessing myself. How are you supposed to behave when you're pregnant? Am I not excited enough? I asked the husband what he thought. His reply was as expected, "your mom is insane, why do you talk to her." Of course he had other reasons backing his claim up, but the question was still ringing in my head. He really doesn't know any more than I do about the whole "how you're supposed to behave when you're pregnant" thing. So I pose this question to all of you, what should I be doing?

I feel like I'm at the point after infertility where I just want to be normal for a little while. Aren't I entitled to that? I don't feel that every other word that comes out of my mouth should be baby because I'm still a wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I want to just be me for a little while. I just want to be a wife for a little while. Do these thoughts run in contradiction to being pregnant and hopefully a mother? I really hope they don't. If they do, I'm hella screwed.

Infertility is a bitch and it takes so much from you. Is it too much to ask to be able to go back to being you for a little while before life takes another huge change with parenthood? Does this make me sound ungrateful for the wonderful gift we've been given? I truly hope not.

I'm taking advantage of the time we have before Fish arrives. I want to enjoy my husband, I want to enjoy myself. I don't feel like in order for me to show excitement that I have to talk about the baby in every sentence. Isn't it enough that I show the u/s pictures to anyone/everyone who inquires? I'm having a great pregnancy and have no maladies. Should I make some up so I can talk about the pregnancy even more? I don't want to be one of those pregnant women, or parents for that matter, that can't have a conversation that doesn't revolve around the child/ren. (Please take no offense if you lump yourself in with that category, if it weren't for people like you, people like me would never talk about their pregnancies, children, etc)

I just don't know how to react to what my mom said. I've always had issues with my mom and falling short of her expectations. I guess I've fallen short again. It's something I should be used to, but this one hit to the core. It's like she's questioning my love for this very much wanted and cared for Fish.

Sorry for the long, disjointed post. As you can see, I'm not done processing this and am just not sure how I will proceed with dealing with her.

Update on house projects: I know you'll all be so surprised, but I haven't done a damn thing. I really do work well under a deadline, so we'll see what happens as December 3rd draws near.

The other sides of me.

2005-10-24T11:40:00.000-05:00

Here is the first blog entry where I attempt to introduce you to different sides of my life.

Husband and I just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. We were married October 20, 2001. I loved my wedding, absolutely nothing went wrong. I can’t believe it’s been four years, yet it seems like so long ago. He sent 2 dozen, long-stemmed roses to work last Thursday and we went out for a nice steak dinner on Saturday. I tell him all the time that he’s the best husband in the world. I really don’t know what I did to get him, but I know how truly lucky I am.

I don’t know how many of you read my 7 things post, but if you’ll recall from the 7 things I can do, number one on that list was procrastinate. I only procrastinate with school and home projects. I’m generally ahead of schedule at work and with medical things and such.

Let me tell you more about my tale of procrastination. We’ve lived in our home since May ’03, just about 2 ½ years. Do you know how much home improvement we’ve done...come on you only get one guess. We’ve done absolutely nothing. This is our first home and we’re not the handiest of people. In our defense, I will say that everything was recently rehabbed. We had all new appliances, new a/c, new furnace, new carpeting (even though it’s a hideous color), etc. We obviously had blinders on when we were looking though because rather than there being proper trim around the windows and select doorways there are 1x4s. These 1x4s weren’t even mitered. I have no idea how we missed this, but we did. This project has been on our to-do list since we’ve moved in.

Another thing that’s been on our to-do list since moving in is painting. Every single wall in our house is white. It’s not even painted all that well and the paint quality is the poorest it can be. Needless to say, we have our work cut out for us.
I am motivated by deadlines, but not just any deadlines, real deadlines. We’ve made up our own deadlines for our home improvement projects a bazillion times before, but because they were just our deadlines they came and went without a moment’s pause.

We have a real deadline, and no it has nothing to do with the baby. We’ve purchased new living room and bedroom furniture. I’m so excited. We spent way too much money in the hopes that this stuff will last longer than our other stuff.

For now, I will leave you with store website pictures of our new furniture. The new furniture arrives December 3rd. This does not give us much time, but as discussed earlier in the post, I work best under pressure and deadlines.

I hope to post a chronicle of our journey from painting to having everything in place, but since I am a procrastinator at heart, I will make no promises.

Welcome to my world.

2005-10-24T11:30:00.001-05:00

For the living room, we're getting what's pictured plus a chair. We're not getting the lamps in the picture, they're not too attractive in person. I love the square coffee table. The furniture is green with tan piping on the edges.

For the bedroom, we're getting everything pictured. We currently have a queen size bed and we're upgrading to a king. I can't wait to see what that's like.

WOW!

2005-10-18T15:06:00.000-05:00

Had the 20 week u/s yesterday and everything was perfect. There's actually a baby in there despite all evidence to the contrary.

I think I may be feeling some movement finally. You know when you buy fish from a pet store and they put them in the plastic bag and the fish start poking at the bag, that's what it feels like. I haven't experienced the butterfly flutters that everyone talks about, I have the bag of fish pokes. I'll take what I can get.

The one remarkable thing from the u/s was that the baby's head is measuring nearly a week ahead of everything else. I told the tech yesterday while pointing to husband that the baby's head is so big because he is its father. My husband has a pretty large melon. It should make labor quite interesting.

I will have a repeat u/s at the next visit because the tech couldn't fully visualize the spine. I'm not upset about that though. So I'm officially half way through and am starting to believe that this thing might happen.

I think I've reached the point where I'm starting to feel like I can breath again. Thanks for everyone who's still here and reading. I know I am an awful blogger and don't post nearly as often as I should. It's that survivor's guilt thing. I wish you could all be here with me so we could commiserate together. I don't want anyone to be left behind.

7 things and 23/5

2005-10-11T09:35:00.000-05:00

I know I was tagged about a million months ago to do these things and I apologize for it taking so long to fill them out. I'm glad to be done with them, so without further ado, I present to you 7 things and 23/5. Marvel at all the wonderful things you'll learn about me. I'm so happy I never did the 100 things entry because that would probably take me a year to finish.

7 things I plan to do before I die...
1.) Have a family.
2.) Travel to Europe.
3.) Move to another place and start from scratch. My whole family is from the Chicago area. My great-grandparents emigrated from Ireland and Italy, mom's side and dad's side, respectively and they haven't left the area since. So that's 3 generations that have never had a zipcode outside of Chicago. I love Chicago, it's a lovely city, but I'd like to give another city a try. Even if it's only for a short while. I just want to prove to myself that I can do it.
4.) Go back to school. I haven't quite decided what I want to be when I grow up. I've been thinking either medical school or getting a masters in education.
5.) Have a job that I actually love to do (see number 4).
6.) Skydive, at least once.
7.) Celebrate our 67th wedding anniversary. This is based on the fact I think 90 is a good estimate to when I'll live until. If I live until 90 (2068) and we were married in 2001, that makes 67 years married.

7 things I can do...
1.) Procrastinate. I do that really well.
2.) Tie a cherry stem in a knot with just my tongue.
3.) Talk a lot of BS that would make someone believe that I am an expert on the subject. This particular trait drives my husband batty. I get it from my mom, thanks mom.
4.) Forgive. My mom will carry a grudge for you or herself forever. I learned from her that it doesn't pay to walk around angry with people all the time.
5.) Start conversations with strangers.
6.) Memorize songs after hearing them a few times.
7.) Teach teenagers to drive. I taught my sister, both my brothers-in-law, and my husband.

7 things I cannot do...
1.) Be artistic or creative.
2.) Drive slow.
3.) Drive over an already dead animal or hit a live one. I will do everything in my power to avoid it. To date, I've never hit or re-hit anything.
4.) Live without my Husband, cats, or TiVo.
5.) Go back to pre-infertility me. I think that me is forever lost. I'll never say never, but I'm pretty sure that gal is never coming back.
6.) Type using instant messaging short hand. You'll never catch me typing U R L8 or the like...ever!! I am not an English major or anything like that, it just drives me crazy. Even in my text messages to people there are commas and apostrophes. I know, I'm anal.
7.) Finish this list, I'm all tapped out here. It took me 4 weeks to finish it as it was. This is the last thing I have to fill in. I'm quite glad to have it done. The attractions, sayings, and crushes were the first things I filled in because those were the easiest. Whew, can I say how happy I am to be done with this.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex...
1.) Intelligence
2.) Ability to hold a conversation
3.) Someone who makes eye-contact
4.) Someone who has feelings and can express them most of the time
5.) Pretty eyes, also relates to number 3
6.) Big guys (meat-heads need not apply)
7.) Good kisser

7 things that I say most often...
1.) What's up
2.) Hello boys (said in this really annoying voice, I only use this voice to talk to my four cats, they are all boys)
3.) What do you want for dinner
4.) I love you
5.) What're we doing this weekend
6.) Can you believe we're having a baby
7.) I need to find a job (recall from a couple of posts ago, I'm a contractor and looking for a permanent gig)

7 male celebrity crushes...
1.) Andy Garcia
2.) Chris Noth
3.) Younger Robert De Niro
4.) Young Marlon Brando
5.) Younger Al Pacino
6.) Matthew McConaughey
7.) Johnny Depp

7 female celebrity crushes (thanks to Pru, I can come out of the closet on this one)...
1.) Kate Hudson
2.) Kate Winslet
3.) Drew Barrymore
4.) Reese Witherspoon
5.) Catherine Zeta-Jones
6.) Charlize Theron
7.) Halle Berry

23/5

On my 23rd post there weren't even 5 lines so I went to my 24th post and the 5th sentence was:

"This really sucks"

This was in reference to my second IUI cycle that was looking eerily like my first and I thought that it too would be cancelled. Well, we all know what happened with my second cycle so I guess I should be eating those words right now, pass the salt please.

Better late than never.

2005-09-20T07:52:00.000-05:00

As promised (I know, I know, I promised these weeks ago), here are the pictures from the NTS.

http://www.comdotorg.com/bebe/12w5d-1.jpg
http://www.comdotorg.com/bebe/12w5d-2.jpg
http://www.comdotorg.com/bebe/12w5d-3.jpg

My sister swears she sees little boy parts in the pics. I think it's too early to say for sure. I guess we'll all have to wait until March to see what comes out.

Feeling much better as of late, I am quite thankful for the placenta. Husband says I was a wee bit irritable the last few weeks of the first trimester. I guess I can agree with him. Today is 16w2d. I have a regular appt. on Monday. It's been way too long since the last one.

DBTs

2005-09-06T10:36:00.000-05:00

Dead baby thoughts.

It's hard being in transition. I'm not getting the weekly ultrasounds I was getting a couple weeks ago and I'm not far enough along to be comforted by the kicks to my bladder. I still fit, quite comfortably I might add, in all of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I rented a doppler, but I think it might be more trouble than it's preventing. See, I'm a big girl and I think that's making it more difficult to hear the heartbeat. I think I've only really heard it once. So, of course, every time I can't find it I have DBTs.

I know that logically there shouldn't be anything wrong. I haven't had any bleeding, cramping, or the like and every u/s I've had has been perfect. Everything's measuring where it should be, heartbeat visible, movement visible, etc. (at least as of last u/s 1 1/2 weeks ago). But it's all the things that I'm not experiencing that drive me crazy. I mean, shouldn't I look at least a little pregnant at 14+ weeks. Maybe I'm expecting too much. This is my first child and I know that's probably why I haven't started showing yet, but damn those evil Fertility Friend message boards and all the ladies on there posting belly pics much less farther along than I am, but showing much more.

I think the thing that freaks me out the most is not hearing the heartbeat on the monitor. I'm driving my husband crazy and I'm proving my mom right. My mom said it would be a bad idea to rent a doppler because it would drive me crazy if I couldn't find it and guess what, it has.

So, thanks for listening to a big, whiny post. WAH!

More Cooperative

2005-08-27T09:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's nuchal translucency screening went swimmingly. The being has been upgraded from gymnast to jumping bean, since that's what s/he was doing when the sonographer was trying to snap good images. It was hilarious to watch.

At least s/he was in a transverse position and measuring the space didn't seem to be a problem. Accoding to the sonographer, the nuchal space measured normally. So now I wait until next week, when the blood results are in, to get my final risk for Down's and Trisomy 18.

I can't believe that s/he is now measuring 6.8 cm. It's amazing that in 7 days there was 2.2 cm of growth.

As always, I will post pics when I get off my lazy ass at work and scan them. So hopefully, some time early next week.

More u/s pics

2005-08-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

Here is the little gymnast hard at work practicing headstands. Pretty cool, it actually is resembling a human now.

I have the repeat NT screening Friday at 3:30, hopefully there will be a bit more cooperation. I had a regular OB visit yesterday and everything is going well. Blood pressure is good, weight is down 5 lbs (not to worry, I'm a big girl to begin with), and heart is still beating (mine and the gymnast's).

http://www.comdotorg.com/bebe/11w5d-1.jpg
http://www.comdotorg.com/bebe/11w5d-2.jpg

Thanks for still sticking around.

No Cooperation

2005-08-19T22:26:00.000-05:00

The nuchal translucency screening didn't happen today because someone decided that doing headstands would be fun. Since someone decided that headstands were going to be the only position today, the tech couldn't take an accurate measurement. Hopefully, floating will be on next Friday's agenda.

We did get to see a really cool u/s today though, complete with pics. I'll scan them as soon as I have a chance to. The gymnast measures 4.6 cm with a heartrate of 182. It actually resembles a human now, no more garden slug-like creature. It was pretty amazing to see how much movement goes on in there that I can't even feel. It's amazing.

Thanks for all the advice on what to do for the job thing. I think I've decided to not say anything until I've been working the probationary period (30, 60, 90 whatever days) and then disclose. That way I will have proven myself and when I say I'll be back after leave, they can believe me.

Thanks again for everything.

Calling All Lawyers and HR Reps.

2005-08-18T10:15:00.000-05:00

I'm still here and everything seems to be going well. Enough about that.

I have a legal/HR question for you, I know you probably hate when your friends ask for legal advice and here I am, an internet friend, asking for legal advice.

As you all know I am rapidly approaching 12 weeks (Sunday) and I've been looking for a permanent job for quite a while (you probably don't know that part, but now you do). I am currently in a contract position that has lasted for about 1 1/2 years. Legally, I know I don't have to disclose this. But I don't think that's a good way to start off a relationship with an employer. I plan on going back to work about 8 weeks after March events happen. My thoughts are to disclose this after I've received an offer letter, but before I sign it. Is there any legal recourse if they rescind the offer after finding out? Do you think it would be better to wait until I'm working and then disclose? What would any of you do?

Thanks in advance for all advice, opinions, comments, and assvice.

PS-Still nervous for tomorrow. Appt. is in the afternoon, I will update as soon as I know anything.

Hanging In

2005-08-09T15:46:00.000-05:00

Hey gals, per the request of Dramalish I am posting.

Not much is going on for me. Still tired (all the time), occasional nausea, sore boobs, the bathroom has become my best friend (ie, I'm in there peeing all the time). Just silently hanging in there.

No bleeding, spotting, or cramping. My next appt. is scheduled for August 19. I will have the nuchal translucency screening done, really I'm just looking for any opportunity I can get to have an ultrasound. I'm not concerned, as I think my odds for genetic conditions are pretty low, but it would be nice to have some peace of mind. Have any of you ladies had it done? I know that the screening consists of bloodwork and the u/s, but I'm curious what to expect results wise.

Of course I have the constant fear running through my head that the baby has died and I have no idea. Reading blogs where this exact scenario has just occurred doesn't help my fragile state though. You take the good with the bad, right? I just have to try and remain sane until next Friday and we'll know for sure that the baby is still in there and doing well. Fingers crossed.

Hope all is well for you ladies. Just because I'm not posting doesn't mean I'm not reading. I read feverishly throughout the day.

Without further ado...

2005-08-01T13:46:00.000-05:00

I present to you the links that everyone requested. I do like the idea of the links so that those who choose not to actually have a choice of viewing or not. The link names are pretty indicative of what they are.

http://www.comdotorg.com/bebe/6w3d.jpg
http://www.comdotorg.com/bebe/7w3d.jpg
http://www.comdotorg.com/bebe/8w2d.jpg

I also want to send a hearty congratulations to Dramalish and Tania, both had good u/s results today.

Now we need some good news from Megan and Suz and it will be a banner day. I've still got everything crossed over here for you two.

I'm like an abentee landlord.

2005-07-29T10:28:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry for not posting in such a long time. I think I've come to the point that all pregnant infertiles go through. I liken it to survivor's guilt. While there have been many wonderful announcements in the blogging kingdom as of late, there are still those lovely women who have been left behind. I want happiness for all of you whether it be pregnancy or adoption or surrogacy or whatever.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm thrilled that I've even been given the opportunity to be where I am. Everything is looking OK. During my 1st official OB visit, we had a u/s and everything was where it should be and measuring appropriately. We still had a heartbeat at 8w2d, I've had no spotting, and my nausea has arrived. Everything is sinking in slowly but surely. Maybe I'll actually feel safe to announce it to more people once the 1st trimester is over.

I have u/s pictures and am thinking about posting them here. I'd like to take an unofficial poll in my comment section for this post of whether or not you'd like to see them. I would be absolutely fine with not posting them, so you won't be hurting my feelings. Please be honest.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Still hanging in there.

2005-07-21T11:45:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone.

Just wanted to post a quick update. Our u/s yesterday went well. It appears that the bleed has all but disappeared and all you ladies who said it was a subchorionic hematoma get first place because that is, in fact, what it was.

We still have no actual heartbeat number but it looked nice and strong. The RE finally fessed up yesterday that he didn't know how to get a heartbeat count using the u/s. I had to snicker at that one.

We've been released to the regular OB. My first OB appt. is next Tuesday. By next Tuesday I'll be 8w2d. This will be farther than I made it last time. Last time I had some bleeding at 8w4d and went in to have an u/s done and it showed that the baby had died at 8 weeks. So if all goes well till next appt. and that u/s shows everything is fine, we'll have made it farther along in this pregnancy than we did in the last.

The last two ultrasounds have given me some peace of mind, the one next week will be even better if everything stays good. It's always about waiting.

Thanks again for all of your comments and support. You ladies mean so much to me and I don't know what I'd do without all of you.

Distractions are good.

2005-07-16T10:54:00.000-05:00

Thanks for this quiz Bugsy. I'll be interested to see what everyone's results are.

You Are 53% American

Most times you are proud to be an American.
Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe
Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home.
You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

Also, Donnie over at BabyQuest and Tania at Infertility Squared have received some wonderful news. They are, indeed, pregnant and confirmed by doctors. Stop by and give them some love.

Thanks for coming to the rescue.

2005-07-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

You ladies are awesome. Thanks for all the well wishes and congratulations.

Thanks also for the information that I asked for. It seems like it's a unanimous vote for subchorionic hematoma (SH). While it does sound a bit like what I have, I haven't had any bleeding, which seems to be the hallmark of SH. I will call the doctor about this today. It seems that some google info says to rest and other info says to continue as normal. So I'm unsure whether I should exercise as planned tonight or not. I will update later once I have an answer.

Thanks again for all of your help with this. I'd be lost without each and every one of you.

Oh BTW, go give some love to my friend Dramalish. She was trying to be a big girl and wait for her beta on Friday, but got anxious and tested yesterday. Lo and behold, there were 2 lines.

The wait is over.

2005-07-13T11:25:00.000-05:00

There is a heartbeat. The doc said it was nice and strong but didn't count the bpm. I'm pretty relieved right now. I'm measuring 6w1d and flipper is measuring 5 mm, I'm good with that.

The semi-bad news is that there is visible blood just outside the gestational sack. It's small and the doctor doesn't seem to be concerned. I tried to google for some info but couldn't find much. I'd appreciate any info that you ladies have about it.

I've not been able to sleep very well for the past few nights even though I'm tired as hell. I think I'll be able to sleep tonight. I go back next Wednesday for another u/s.

I'm pretty happy/relieved/tired right now. Right after the u/s, I just cried and cried. It was a good cry though. I was so happy and it was such an emotional time. I know the war has just begun, but at least we won this battle.

Now, I have to go and catch up with all you dames.

So remember when I said...

2005-07-12T10:31:00.000-05:00

that I would be OK if I didn't see a heartbeat tomorrow (see this post)? I'd like to recant that statement because I'm a big, fat liar. After intensive googling, I've decided that if I don't see a hearbeat tomorrow of 90-110 then I will be pretty bummed and a bit devastated.

I'm excited/nervous/anxious/scared about tomorrow. I haven't been sleeping well these past few nights. I'm dog-assed tired, but when I finally get to bed I toss and turn and wake up easily. I hope tomorrow's news will afford me at least one good night's sleep.

I will update as soon as I can tomorrow.

Shout Outs

2005-07-08T16:42:00.000-05:00

We've had some pretty awesome news in the kingdom today.

Julie has just received word on her referral and it's a boy. She is elated, you should stop by and visit.

Kim has gotten her slip and is leaving Monday to pick her son (Gabe) up from Guatemala. Stop by and wish her luck too.

I am so happy for both of you and can't wait to see pics of your sons. Congratualtions moms!

2005-07-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

Test

I did it, it worked. I now have an image in my profile.

All's quiet on the Western front.

2005-07-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

Nothing new or exciting going on. I'm 5w3d and still holding my breath.

The holiday was nice. My company was closed yesterday as well and since I get all of my blogging done at work, I didn't post. I've had a chance to catch up with all of you and it appears that all is well and fairly quiet.

T minus 7 days until the first u/s. I keep going back and forth in my mind of whether or not I want another beta before next Wednesday. Is knowing a couple days sooner that something may go bad going to make me feel any better? I think not. So these next couple days I will do my best to just wait, be patient, and enjoy being pregnant one more day. I hope I can keep this zen attitude for the next 35 weeks. I doubt I'll be able to, but the thought of it is nice. (Look there, I actually said something positive, I said for the next 35 weeks. Wow, I'm growing already.)

ooohhhhmmmm, oooohhhhmmmm, ooohhhhhmmmm

Still hanging in.

2005-06-30T10:14:00.000-05:00

I'm still here and everything seems to be OK.

Yesterday was a bit rough. All I could do was think about bad stuff. Yesterday was the first day that I actually thought about this becoming a reality and that's probably why my fear got the best of me.

Today seems to be a bit better, so far. I feel OK. Occasional waves of nausea (no action on that though, thank goodness), sore boobs, very sleepy, always in the potty, and a bit gassy (I know that's TMI, but if I can't say it here where else can I say it).

Thanks again for all of your well wishes on the last post. I am a comment whore and I think those were the most I'd ever gotten.

Hope all is well in the infertile kingdom.

143

2005-06-28T14:43:00.000-05:00

That was the result from my second beta this morning. This calculated to a doubling time of 39.8 hours. Slightly better than the desired 48-72 hour doubling time averages.

I feel a little better yet still maintaining my cautious optimism. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 07/13. The ultrasound will be when I'm 6 weeks 3 days, I won't be completely heartbroken if there's no heartbeat because it still could be a bit early.

Thanks again for everyone's well wishes. They were all super thoughtful and I am so thankful to have all you ladies in my life.

I'm not sure what I'll do for the next 15 days, but I'm hoping that the time passes quickly.

I'm almost afraid to say it outloud

2005-06-26T10:23:00.000-05:00

The results are in. The number is 62.9. I guess there's no denying it. I will go in for a repeat evaluation Tuesday.

Thank you all for all of your support. You ladies have truly been wonderful. I'm still cautiously optimistic about the circumstances. So far we are one week ahead of where we were this time last year. Once you've suffered a loss it's hard to have unbridled optimism about it.

I will do my best to remain sane. I hope the numbers on Tuesday do what they're supposed to do.

Enjoy your Sunday.

So here's what I've decided...

2005-06-25T11:28:00.000-05:00

but I need your help with your opinions on execution. K?

I've decided that I will go for a beta tomorrow. The part I haven't decided is should I pretend that I understood that I was to take a pregnancy test on Sunday and come in for the beta or should I say that I can't make it Monday because I have an all day meeting that I can't be late for? This would mean that I come back on Tuesday for another beta to make sure everything is doubling as it should be.

I'm leaning more towards the meeting idea, it sounds better than the obsessed infertile "forgot" that she was supposed to come in on Monday not Sunday. What do you ladies think?

I was going to post a pic of the tests, but I just couldn't get the light right so that I could photograph the double lines. I know you all are going to think I'm insane, but I made the Husband take the same lot number and brand of pregnancy tests that I took to make sure that the lot wasn't defective. Can you tell I was a bit paranoid about the positive. I know it's crazy, but you'll be happy to know that Husband is not pregnant. Hope you guys have a great weekend.

Edited to add:
Of course this is all based on the assumption that tomorrow's test will be positive. We all know what happens when we assume...

The suspense is killing me...

2005-06-24T09:28:00.000-05:00

So I tested this morning and there is still a line. That being said, I can't tell if my tunnel vision is making me think it's darker or that it actually is darker. So we're in the same boat still, nothing absolutley definitive. I will test again Sunday to see if anything has changed. If I don't get my period by Sunday, I will go in Monday for a beta test.

Would it have been too much to ask for for it to have been a definite yes or no, sheesh. If I can get some good pics I will see what you ladies think.

Still hanging in there, but may not be able to avoid the straight jacket for much longer.

Thanks for your encouraging comments.

2005-06-23T15:24:00.000-05:00

You guys are awesome. I got so many well-wishing posts and I'm really touched. I have no other news and will be testing tomorrow so stay tuned for further details. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you.

WTF?!?!

2005-06-22T11:05:00.000-05:00

So, as you all know, my plan was to test this morning. Always the scientist, my hope was to get a negative today so that I could create a baseline value so that any positive result after today would be definitive. Of course that didn't happen. I tested this morning with first morning urine and got a faint positive. Before you ask, it wasn't an obsessive, crack open the cassette, squint and observe in southeastern light positive, it was just a plain faint positive. Even the Husband saw it.

So, I turn this over to you highly experienced and educated ladies that have had hCG shots before, what gives? Everywhere I read it says to wait the full 14 days, but I know better than that, that's just the CTA (cover their ass, a derivative of CYA-cover your ass--not to be confused with the Chicago Transit Authority) response. I am 11 days past trigger, 10 days past presumed ovulation. I can't find any real data on when it should be out of my system. Of course, I found info on how long it takes for the hCG that's measured in mIUs to leave your system but I can't find any info for the 250 mcg shot of Ovidrel that I took. It figures.

I know I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but I really wanted today's result to be negative so there was no ambiguity when I tested this weekend.

I'm going to be true to my name...

2005-06-20T11:12:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here and still sane, at least that I know of :)

Nothing new, nothing exciting. This weekend was pretty uneventful. We were supposed to start our house stuff but, as usual, we bought stuff and didn't do anything with it. Instead we went to dinner and to see Batman Begins. Awesome flick, I highly recommend it if you were a fan of the Batman series at any time.

La, la, la, la, la...I can't hear you.

2005-06-17T09:28:00.000-05:00

I hate when smug fertiles are so loud. I have an office and A. stopped by to talk to me and rant a bit about my boss (no worries, my boss is a complete tool and will hopefully be out of here soon enough). As A. was talking to me a woman, who I don't know, was walking in the doors to the floor and A. leaves here immediately to say to her "why didn't you tell me." When infertiles hear these words we always know exactly what they're talking about. Of course, this woman is pregnant and is 18 weeks along. She's not even showing, if I were to have seen her around I never would have known. After jumping around and doing their little fertile handshake they proceed to stand outside of my office and talk, loudly I might add, all about her pregnancy. A. is a mother and has an almost 2 y.o. daughter. A. goes on and on talking about maternity clothes and how sweatpants became her favorite thing and how motherhood is great.

A. knows about our difficulties and at times can be caring and compassionate. Obviously, yesterday and today were not one of those days. Oh yes, today's actions just magnifies yesterday's flippant statement of "why don't you just adopt?" There is nothing wrong with adoption, I am so very happy for all of our adopting members in the kingdom, but I'm not ready for adoption just yet. We've barely started to scratch the surface of ART and I'd like to give it every chance we've got for a biological child. I'm not at all saying this to upset or offend our adoptive parents, this is just where I'm at right now.

So after the actions of yesterday and today, I think A. may have to go on "the list." You know what I'm talking about, the one where you put idiots who give the stupidest assvice. Welcome to "the list" A., I hope you enjoy your stay.

On another note, I broke down and tested Wednesday night, mostly so I could see the double lines. I'm a sucker for them and missed them. I haven't seen them in almost a year. I also wanted to make sure that the hCG was still in my system, I know I'm insane. I'm currently 5 dpIUI and 6 days past trigger. I'll probably test again Tuesday-Wednesday to make sure the hCG made it out of my system. I will do my for real testing next Sunday (26th). So stay tuned until then. My nips are even more sore than they were a few days ago, just in case you were wondering :)

Sensitive nips anyone?

2005-06-15T08:32:00.000-05:00

I'm trying really hard to be good and not obsess about every twinge and pull, but one thing is on my mind. Seeing as I've never gotten the hCG trigger before, I need to know if any of you experienced sore nips after having the shot?

I need to know if this is a side effect of the hCG or if it's something else. My rational brain tells me it's way too early to be indicative of anything, but my irrational side keeps telling me that the only other time I experienced the sensitive nips was when I was pregnant last year. Last year's sensitive nips also started right after ovulation before implantation would've even taken place. I'm like a junkie looking for a fix. Please talk me down and tell me that you all experienced the sensitive nips after the hCG injection too.

If this is any indication of how the next 11 days are going to be, knock me out now and wake me up the 26th. I swore to myself I wasn't going to obsess.

Boring Update

2005-06-14T08:04:00.000-05:00

So we're 2 dpIUI and there's really nothing to update. We made sure to have wild and crazy sex for the past three days, alright, alright it wasn't so wild and crazy but it was sex. I'm done now. I really wasn't feeling like doing it at all last night, but in the end it all worked out OK for the both of us :) So now, we wait. Nothing new going on other than waiting.

There have been many positives in the blogs I read and I just wanted to showcase them here so you can go over and wish them well.

Bugsy: She's in the process of telling her close family and friends that she's succeeded after her positive test June 9. Clomid and well timed sex was what did it for her. Congrats Bugsy, I'm so happy for you.

Mudbug: Again Clomid and well timed sex. She was about to get reamed from one end to the other too, so this was her last chance before all the fun of salpingograms, et all. She also won't have to decide the fate of Frankie the Fibroid. We'll have to wait 8 more months to figure out what she'll do with him. Congrats Mudbug, you sure did dodge the bullet on that one.

Hardscrabble: She's 13 days past retrieval today and she's been posting a home pregnancy test picture everyday. I wonder what today's will show. She has her beta tomorrow. Can't wait to see what the number will be. Congrats Hardscrabble, you've been fighting the good fight for so long, you deserve a good slice of pie.

Susie (It's not a habit.): Her 2nd ultrasound is tomorrow and she's nervous. At her initial ultrasound the doc saw 2 yolk sacks. She's hoping that there will still be 2 and hopefully 2 heartbeats to go along with them. She was on injectables plus IUI this cycle. Congrats Susie, I'm hoping and praying you finish the race with 2 babes in your arms.

Good luck to all our pregnant bloggers. I wish you well.

Insert Foot In Mouth!

2005-06-11T17:21:00.000-05:00

Time to come and fess up.

At the appt today, there was one follicle that measured 18mm. So I got my trigger shot and will be inseminated tomorrow. I can't believe I'm here writing this. I thought for sure that this cycle would be a bust.

I feel like a pretty big tool for begging for sympathy yesterday only to have everything work out OK. So to everyone who commented yesterday a big, fat thanks to you. For all of those who were praying and thinking of me a big, fat thanks to you too. Whatever happened it worked. It's not the ideal that they look for (they like to see 2-3 follicles), but I'll take one over none any day. We at least have a chance this cycle. I'll take a small chance over no chance at all.

Thanks again for being wonderful and supportive. I promise I will try to not cry wolf anymore, but it becomes a defense mechanism after a while.

Hope all is well in the IF kingdom.

Why does it have to be so hard.

2005-06-09T11:44:00.000-05:00

So as you all know, today was my monitoring appt for my second cycle. It doesn't look good. So far, everything is the same as it was last time. I have one follicle and it's measuring 14mm. I go back in on Saturday to confirm what I already know, I'm out again this cycle. This really sucks. There is a possibility that things may work out after all but my hope for this cycle is at an all time low. I guess if this cycle is a bust again it'll be more provera and a bigger Clomid dosage. When does it get easier? Rhetorical question folks, I know for some of us it never does.

So I'm having a pity party, gifts are not necessary but comments are welcomed and encouraged.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

2005-06-08T09:26:00.000-05:00

I thought today's Dilbert was apropos to bloggers everywhere.

I already feel a little personal growth.

Enjoy!

SFU, anyone?

2005-06-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

Are there any Six Feet Under fans out there? For those not in the know, SFU is about a family who owns a funeral home, the Fishers. It airs on HBO, used to be Sunday nights, but now has switched to Monday nights. I would highly recommend it. It leans towards dark drama and every episode starts with a death.

So about the show, I swear this actually has a point. Dad dies in the first episode, but makes periodic "appearances" to comment and have conversations with his kids and wife. All the children are grown. Nate, oldest, came back home to run the funeral home after Dad died. Nate was free-spirit and hippy-ish. David, middle, was always around to run the funeral home with Dad and never left home (he's gay), and Claire, youngest, wants to be an artist. She has a need-for-attention complex and always struggles to be very deep and moody, typical artist (no offense). Ruth, the mom, wants everything to be perfect. She's a fairly shy woman by nature, but she's had some good flare-ups on the show.

So moving right along, last night's episode was the first of the season. This is the last season of SFU. I started writing a whole lot about the episode and I just deleted it all because it would be too big of a story to tell because there's so much history. So I will get to the meat and potatoes of why this episode is of any importance here.

There was a wedding (Nate and Brenda), and the bride was pregnant at the time, she wakes the morning before her wedding and has started to miscarry. There were no specifics on how far along she was, but the day before she was doing the whole morning sickness thing. So she is being haunted by guilt over living a not-so-pious life and Nate's dead ex-wife, the mother of his ~2-3 year old daughter, keeps making "appearances" and saying everything Brenda is thinking. Now, I've had a miscarriage and it was awful, I think SFU captured the awful part pretty well. This episode made me totally grateful for not having to deal with a miscarriage the day of my wedding. Small things, people.

So the other Fisher brother, David, is gay and he has a steady guy, Keith. They've been wanting to start a family and have been discussing adoption and surrogacy. David wants adoption because he feels like there are too many kids in the world with no home and why have your own if there are many in need. Keith, on the other hand, would like his own child and while he's not opposed to adoption he really wants his own. So there's talking and a bit of yelling, but in the end, they decide to do both. I'm sure the episode didn't touch nearly the decision making process that adoptive parents and surro parents go through, but at least they touched on it.

So, the reason I wrote about the SFU episode that aired last night was because it was one that hit home for me and probably for some of you. It's just nice to see stuff like that out there. Just like the new show that will be starting on NBC this fall, Inconceivable, even if they get it dead wrong, at least it's out there. I will be watching it, I know many of you won't be, but I will be watching it to see what they are and aren't getting right.

That's it. I hope I haven't offended anyone too badly.

I start ultrasound monitoring Thursday morning, can't wait to start this again. I hope this one works out better than the first.

Back on track.

2005-06-01T11:51:00.000-05:00

Hello ladies (and possibly Husband),

Just wanted to do a quick update. I'm now on CD 5 and will go in Thursday, June 9 to start monitoring. I've had 2 doses of 100mg Clomid and seem to be hanging in there, we'll see what the subsequent doses do.

That's it, nothing exciting. Just more waiting. At least we're having beautiful weather in Chicago so I can enjoy the waiting in nice weather.

PS-send some good news vibes to Susie over at It's not a habit. She's already had a positive pg test and she's waiting to hear what her beta results are.

I can't believe he did it!!!

2005-05-27T14:40:00.000-05:00

So I have this nifty software on my blog from statcounter recommended by Cecily (thanks Cec) that tracks how many hits, where they're coming from, etc. So I was checking it yesterday and I see where my hits are coming from. I have quite a few from Georgia (thanks peaches) and some from the UK (thanks lasses) and one lonely hit from Australia (thanks shelia). They also have this information diviied up by IP address. I am not a computer wizard by any stretch, but I see a hit from the IP address of my husband's company. His company is well known (and I would mention it here but it's small) and not mistakeable for any other. So I immediately call him and bust him. Mr. Pious, Mr. I'd never look at your blog got caught in a big, fat lie. At first he tried to deny it, but really he couldn't.

I wasn't really mad, I was more happy that he isn't all perfect as he claims. So if you're reading this honey, neener, neener, neener, you're not perfect. You're just as weak as I would be if I knew you had a blog. So he read it and was upset that I called him spineless and asks me "what it's like being married to a jelly fish?" So in the end he took it well. I love him to pieces and he is the best in the world, he's human and faulted and I love him even more.

For those in the States, enjoy the long weekend the weather in Chicago is supposed to be grand, I hope it's the same for all of you. And for everyone else, enjoy the weekend.

Random Things

2005-05-26T15:29:00.000-05:00

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone with my wavering feelings of parenthood. I've never admitted that to anyone before. I was always afraid of their reaction.

On another note, my best friend's last day of work is tomorrow. We've become the very best of friends since we've worked together the last year and a half. I'm happy for her, but sad for me. We are both contractors at an up-and-coming pharma company and we've shared an office for the last 8 months. I will miss her presence every day. I hope they don't stick a whack-job in here with me.

I know you're all shocked that I've been able to post 3 whole days in a row. To tell the truth, I'm pretty shocked myself. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with it.

On the baby front: Still waiting for the cycle to start.

Is it only me?

2005-05-25T15:34:00.000-05:00

So I was driving home yesterday, reminiscing about our CA trip and I thought to myself "if we have kids, we probably won't be able to do stuff like that anymore." I mean I know people with kids still take trips and such, as evidenced by our plane rides, but it won't be as carefree and spur of the moment. These last three years I've concentrated on making a family have been full of disappointment and waiting. Yesterday, while driving, it kinda struck a chord and I asked myself do I really want to have kids? Does anyone else go through these spells or am I the only one?

I'm back!

2005-05-24T12:33:00.000-05:00

LA county is beautiful. LA the city is a whole different story.

We had a great time. The weather in LA was really warm though, upper 90s on Friday and Saturday.

When we arrived Thursday we headed to the Playboy studios. We were supposed to meet up with someone who'd give us a tour. The husband arranged this. According to the husband, the guy we were meeting had an appt. at 4, but if we missed him one of his other guys would be happy to show us around. So we get there at 4:30, plane landed at 2, got the rental car by 3, and sat on the expressways (I know they're freeways but I'm from Chicago and they're always expressways here.) for the other 1 1/2 hrs. Traffic there was pretty bad. The studios are in Glendale which is only about 25 miles from LAX but it still took forever to get there.

When we arrived we asked for the guy who was supposed to give us the tour and was told he'd left for the day, duh but someone else could give the tour. Not sure if I've shared with you the sometimes lack of a backbone my husband has. He took this news and we walked out the door. I didn't want to cause a scene so I followed him out. I couldn't believe that we'd just driven all that way only to turn around and leave. Needless to say, words were exchanged in the car and that's how we spent the next 35 mins in the car. Finally, we came to an agreement and started talking again. He can be such a spineless twit sometimes.

At this point we're pretty hungry because we haven't eaten since breakfast. I get really cranky when I'm hungry so we find an In and Out Burger because we knew we'd have to try "the best burger in the world." Husband and I will both freely admit it is a really damn good burger. Of course, being the computer world nerd he is he knew that the secret code was to ask for it animal style. This means that you get extra secret sauce (I think it's like a glorified Thousand Island) and grilled instead of raw onions. When I requested this at the register I was asked if I wanted my fries animal style too, and I said yes. This means that they put a couple slices of cheese, the grilled onions, and the secret sauce on the fries. This meal was insane but it was really damn good. I am a convert now and think that In and Out does have the best burgers in the world. I want them to open one in Chicago. Maybe we can exchange a White Castle for an In and Out.

The day ended with a drive down Hollywood, only to be smack dab in the middle of a premier for the new Adam Sandler movie The Longest Yard. It was cool to see the crowd. Didn't see anyone of discernable celebritydom. On the plane in, however, we saw Dylan Walsh, bka Shawn McNamara from Nip/Tuck. Didn't say anything to him because it looked like he was trying to lay low. He's shorter than I expected, but just as cute in person as he is on the show.

Friday, the husband went to the convention and I did the typical Rodeo drive thing. The sales people were really nice. I was expecting them to be snotty. I spent about 40 mins. in the Lladro store. They're so beautiful. Then I was in Cartier, Tiffany, Louis Vuitton, Prada, etc. As I said in a previous post, I couldn't afford any of those things anyway. It was fun to browse though.

Saturday we started out the day with a tour of the Playboy mansion. It really is beautiful. We weren't allowed to tour the house but we did tour the grounds, the guest house, the game room, and of course the grotto. The grotto is much smaller than you see on TV. It's actually quite cozy. Of course I don't think I'd take a swim because of all the things that go on in there, but to see it was great. Heff's got an aviary and small zoo. He's got monkeys and bunnies. Tons of birds though. He gets them from various bird rescue organizations. The grounds are beautiful, it's no wonder he never leaves. Everything comes to him. We got to meet one of his girls, she was working out in the gym preparing for a shoot later that day.

After the mansion, we went to the Hollywood area so I could get some cheesy souveniers and I could see Mann's Chinese Theater and the Hollywood Walk of Fame. We also stopped in the wax museum, it was pretty cool. Hollywood is pretty seedy and dirty outside of the theater area.

After the Hollywood experience, we went to Pasadena to troll around downtown. There was this store that was advertising on the hotel television station called Lather. They billed themselves as a modern apothecary, all natural ingredients, etc. I really wanted to check it out. They were cool, got to try everything before I bought it. I got this almond shave cream and used it that night. It is really nice and smells heavenly. We ate at a Mexican restaurant a few doors down and just window shopped the rest of the night. It was beautiful, I really like Pasadena. Just for fun, we searched to see how much homes were in the area and for a 600 sq. foot, 1 bedroom, 2 bath house on 2000 sq. feet of property it was 450K. I couldn't believe it.

Sunday our flight was at 10 am, so we got up and left for the airport.

We had an awesome time and I would totally do it again minus the Hollywood part. I think once you do it one time, you've done it for your lifetime.

On the baby front: I just finished my last provera pill yesterday. Hopefully my cycle will start in the next few days and then on to 100 mg Clomid.

I'm still trying to catch up on blogs, I hope everyone is doing well.

I can't believe no one has any ideas.

2005-05-18T13:51:00.000-05:00

So no one has any ideas of what to do in LA? I'm shocked.

I'll probably do typical touristy stuff. Mann's Chinese Theater, the Hollywood stars, Santa Monica pier, must at least walk Rodeo drive. My husband also has arranged for us to tour the Playboy mansion while we're there. I'm pretty excited about that too. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I'm open to any other suggestions for places to visit/eat/shop...

Hope all is well in the Infertile Kingdom.

You guys rock!

2005-05-17T14:54:00.000-05:00

Thanks so much for the well wishes. To show you how much I appreciate them, I'm writing another post today, I know I know, hold the applause.

So doctor's office called and I have not ovulated. The great thing was that I didn't even have to ask for the provera or the bigger Clomid dosage they did it anyway. When I got back from lunch I had a message from the office saying what the plan was and that they needed the number to my pharmacy. This clinic is looking better all the time.

So I will start the provera today, if the scrip is ready.

Susie: My plan is to do the Clomid thing for 3 tries. This is time number 1 at 50mg, next I'll be doing 100mg. Can't wait to see what I'll be like on the higher dosage. If it's not working well after those three, I'll request injectables and do it that way for another 3 times.

I really want to keep IVF as a last resort because we only have 3 tries. I live in Illinois so I already know that I'm super lucky to have any IF coverage at all, but three times is it. I'd also like to have more than one kid. I'm so afraid to have tried everything and all my IVF chances to be used up and have nothing to show for it in the end but a bruised ass and floor cake.

So now we have another plan. Cheers for plans.

On a completely different note, I will be spending Thursday through Sunday in LA. My husband is going to E3 (for those not married to super geeks, it's an annual video game conference where they showcase all the latest systems, games, etc.). While he is at the conference, I'll need some things to occupy my time. I've never been to LA before. I don't tend towards the designer clothes offered on Rodeo drive, but will be touring there just to say I've been. Do any of you live in/near LA? Do any of you love any particular part of LA? What is a must see/do/eat while we're there?

Can't wait to hear what you recommend we do.

Why can't it ever be easy?

2005-05-17T11:39:00.000-05:00

If I were to have blogged yesterday, like I intended to, you’d be reading a very different post. Yesterday’s post would have been cheery and hopeful. Today’s post is disappointing and upsetting.

As you all know, I started u/s monitoring on Sunday. Sunday’s ultrasound showed that there was 1 follicle on my left ovary measuring 14mm. I was happy, there was hope that this rushed cycle would actually accomplish something. Then yesterday I started googling around for success rates with IUI. I really should’ve done more homework before the IUI. In normal women (ie, no PCOS), they get more than one follicle when they use Clomid. So yesterday, after learning this pearl of wisdom, my balloon of hope got a little prick in it (and not the good kind), but I was still hopeful. After the u/s on Sunday I was told to come back in on Tuesday for another u/s and hopefully a trigger.

Well, today is Tuesday and the news is not good. I learned today that I now have one follicle on each side both measuring 12mm. WTF happened?!?!? So there is no trigger and this cycle is a bust. After learning this, the nurse sent me for p4 levels. There are two possible outcomes from the p4 results: 1.) I ovulated yesterday, so maybe the sex we had on Sunday worked (yeah, right-it’s never that easy for us infertiles) or 2.) my body is continuing its revolt and gave a big old, double fisted FU to the Clomid and said do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Any future plans are hinging on the p4 results. If it shows I ovulated, I suppose the monitoring schedule will have to be altered. If it shows I didn’t ovulate, I will insist on provera so I can be over with this cycle and request that my Clomid dosage be upped so maybe next time it will work. Do any of you seasoned pros out there have any other suggestions?

Damn Hope, damn her straight to hell!!!

Fortune Cookies

2005-05-12T16:36:00.000-05:00

So I went out to eat shortly after the RE appt. and in my fortune cookie was a wonderful fortune that I really, truly want to believe. It said:

Look to the next month for some pleasant surprises.

Now we all in the infertile world love to look at small things as “signs” and I’m doing just that with this so when this month ends up with a negative result you can all come back and tell me I told you so and smack me upside the head and say “that’s what I get for letting Hope creep in.”

Prepare yourself for a long post because it’s been so long since I’ve updated and so much has happened. I will try and keep it chronological.

Wed., May 4
RE appointment was at 11:30. Arrived on time, early even (since you guys don’t know me that well yet I will inform you that this is a feat in and of itself-I’m that girl that will be late to my own funeral, seriously). I guess I’m really taking this stuff seriously, as well I should be.

When we arrived there was another couple in the waiting room and the guy did everything in his power to remain hidden and not to make eye contact. He went so far as to hold the newspaper up in front of his face while he was sitting there waiting. I figure that he had to give a sample for an IUI or something that involved him providing a sample. Poor guy, I wish I could’ve said not to be embarrassed but I liken it to the first bra experience for an adolescent girl, you know the one where Helga the big German woman measures you and comes into the dressing room to put your boobies in their bra for the first time. But I digress…

***On a side note to answer Dramalish’s e-mail question: You’re absolutely right, there are no good magazines in the office. Thank goodness husband was there to entertain me.***

The appointment went well. We told him what happened last time and why we didn’t come back for almost a year (you know the miscarriage and all). He was sorry to hear about it, showed the appropriate millisecond of concern and then moved on to the plan (insert appropriate orchestral duh, duh, duh). So since everyone else has named their RE, I guess I will name mine Dr. To the Point (TtP).

Before we get into the plan, I have to share the revolt my body was waging against me for the week before the appointment. So this was the first cycle off Clomid, my body decides to start spotting after what my fertility monitor and temperatures considered ovulation. I have no idea why, it just happened. So our appointment was what I thought was 6 dpo. The spotting had turned in to light bleeding the day before and the day of the appointment. Dr. TtP wanted me to have my estrogen and progesterone levels taken so we can know whether this is period or whether this is post-ovulation. That’s it, now I can start in with the plan.

Once the estrogen and progesterone results were in was when the decision would be made on what cycle day I was on. If they both came back low then it would mean I start Clomid in preparation for an IUI. If they came back high it would mean I was still in the LP and would have to wait till my period really came, whatever that means, before I could start Clomid again.

Of course, while I was in with him I confessed to him that I’d been drugging on the side and showed him my Clomid charts. He had no idea what would cause the horribly long LPs that I experienced while taking the Clomid for those past 2 cycles (if you’ll recall my LPs during those 2 cycles were 22 and 29 days respectively). Of course I get to be the lucky one that stumps the RE, yay me, what do I win?

So the plan was set:
Wait for estrogen and progesterone levels
Start Clomid if CD 3
Husband needs another SA (it’s been 1 ½ years since the last one)
HSG
U/S monitoring starting at CD 13
IUI+trigger

Thurs. May 5
So I patiently, or not so patiently truth be told, wait for the results from Wed.’s blood work. I stupidly call at 9 am thinking that the blood taken at 12:30 pm the day before would be analyzed, silly me. I get a message on my voicemail stating to call back later results are not in. I decide to give a full 24 hours and call back at 1:30 (I gave them an extra hour). Here is that conversation:

Nurse: Everything is normal.
Me: What does that mean exactly?
Nurse: It means everything is OK.
Me: But I need to know whether or not the results mean I’m in my luteal phase or in the follicular phase.
Nurse: silence…chirp, chirp, chirp
Me: I need to know whether I’m on my period or whether I just ovulated (obviously I needed to dumb it down for the infertility nurse)
Nurse: I don’t know, I’ll have the doctor call you
Me: Can I have the actual numbers (thinking in my head, so I can call on Dr. Google and figure out wtf is going on)
Nurse: Progesterone is 0.55 and estrogen is 42.
Me: Thanks and please make sure the doctor calls because I need to know whether or not to start the Clomid today.

Could that call be any more frustrating. So I google like mad for all these numbers and I’m not coming up with much. Then I finally remember that there’s a link on Grrl’s blog and I go there immediately. From what I read it looked like I was in the first part of my next cycle. So if Dr. TtP didn’t call back, because I really wasn’t expecting him to, I would start the Clomid.

Amazingly enough he called back and said that I should start the Clomid since I was on CD 3. So this was Clomid day #1.

Mon., May 9
Husband has SA scheduled for 2:15 and I have the HSG scheduled for 12:30. Once again, I was early to the appointment.

HSG was not as bad as I expected. I heard some bad stories about it and for those of you who’ve had a bad HSG I’m so sorry. There was a bit of pressure, cramping, and some spotting but all in all, not bad. Not that I would get one everyday, but not bad.

Everything was all clear.

Haven’t called for husband’s SA results yet. I figure I can ask for them during the monitoring visit.

Now…we…wait.

My U/S monitoring starts May 15, this Sunday. I hope I’m growing a nice follicle. If it shows I’m ready, I guess I get the hCG trigger and IUI that day. Husband is thrilled about coming with every morning to see if he’s needed. He said the rooms were pretty good. His biggest complaint was that they had a VCR and tapes. He’s very techno-geek and this really stuck in his craw. I told him that if he wanted he could donate a DVD player and some DVDs if it bothered him that much.

So that’s where we’re at. I will do my best to not neglect you lovely ladies anymore. I’m a bad blogger and the biggest procrastinator in the whole wide world. If the task gets to be too big, I want to do it less and less. Everyday that went by that I didn’t update I just had more and more to talk about, hence the super-long post. I think this is my longest yet. Hopefully I won’t beat this length any time soon.

Thanks for hanging in there and listening to my drivel.

Well wishes to the Infertile Kingdom.

Only -6% republican...what have I done to deserve this.

2005-05-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

I am:
-6%
Republican.

"You're a damn Commie! Where's Tailgunner Joe when we need him?"

Are You A Republican?

Thanks Wonder Woman. I can't believe I'm only -6% republican, I thought I'd be at least -50%.

I'll post a real post later with an update of yesterday's activities. And I won't keep you all in suspense anymore, I didn't test. I figured to save the few bucks and test when I really can't control the cold sweats and ticks.

I'm in good company

2005-05-02T14:21:00.000-05:00

It's good to see that I'd be in good company with searching far and wide for my husband's blog. I don't know how they do it. We're very lucky though.

On to other things...our date with the RE is coming ever soon. The appointment is at 11:30 am CST, May 4. I know you're all excited, I know I am. Last time we met with this RE I was unknowingly pregnant so of course I have these insane notions that I'm pregnant this time too and that all it takes is an appt. with this guy to get knocked up. If that's the case and I am pregnant now I will be more than happy to publish his phone number so everyone else can give him a ring and make an "appt."

I know I'm speaking crazy thoughts about the possibility of being pregnant ever since my body clearly let me know its stance on the whole thing. There's always that lingering hope that resides in my heart. Even though my head knows better, my head and heart are sometimes on different wavelengths.

I don't even know where I'm at in my cycle other than 23 days have elapsed since the start of the cycle. My cycles have been so bad that I can't even say with any certainty that I'm pre or post ovulatory despite all the money that I paid for this. So I'm debating about whether to test on Wednesday before I go.

I may not test just because it doesn't matter either way, I'm not cancelling the appointment even if I am pregnant because I'll want him to monitor my hCG and progesterone levels.

What do you gals think? To test or not to test?

The cat is out of the bag...

2005-04-30T10:47:00.000-05:00

and man does it feel good. If you'll all recall from this post my husband had no idea that I was blogging only that I was reading blogs. So yesterday, I was talking about you wonderful ladies and he brought said, out of no where, "Do you have a blog?" and because I wasn't prepared for him to ask the question I couldn't very well lie so I caved and told the truth. He poked fun at me a little but in the end he was super supportive and I'm so happy the secret is out.

He swore that he would never come find it. I know that he could if he wanted to because he is a computer genius. I asked him how he had the strength to not come and find it and I confessed to him that if he had a blog and I knew about it that I would feel compelled to read it. I know that's awful of me.

The one thing that he did ask was that I'd never replace him with you ladies. I told him I never would. He is my rock and confidant and friend and lover and ... the list goes on and on. But you ladies complement his strengths so well. So now I have two outlets for all this infertility stuff and it feels great.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted now that he knows about the blog. I hate not telling him everything.

Hope all is well in the Infertile Kingdom.

I hate pregnancy announcements...

2005-04-28T15:49:00.000-05:00

We've all been where I'm at right now. I've just been hit with a drive-by announcement. My cousin, lovely gal, just sent me an e-mail with the subject line of "GREAT NEWS!!!" and before I even opened it I knew what it said. Still, as I read the words, I felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach.

I really am happy for her because she and her husband will be excellent parents. But,...oh what am I explaining here of all places for. You all get it so just make sure to send me some love.

I'll talk with you later.

Neuroses and Paranoias

2005-04-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

So glad to see you all liked my evil game. I can't believe all of the goody-two-shoes I'm surrounded by in blog land.

In the lead we have sojourning crow with 68% and in last place we have bugsy at 14%. I do like Pru's idea of getting drunk while driving to the bar to pick up a one-night stand and hitting an animal along the way. That's what I'm talking about!

So this leads me to my next topic of neuroses and paranoias. If you couldn't already tell that was a forwarded link. Does anyone else have the same paranoia that I do that because I don't forward my forwards to at least 7 people in the next 7 nanoseconds that I will have bad luck cursed upon me for 7 centuries? I seriously have had to tell my family and friends to stop forwarding me that crap because I couldn't take it anymore. Anyone else?

I now turn the discussion over to you ladies...what paranoias and neuroses do you have and are willing to share? I promise there will be no name calling, maybe :)

I am 38% evil!

2005-04-26T15:25:00.000-05:00

Come on, follow the link below and see what percentage evil you are.

http://www.hilowitz.com/john/test/evil.html

Don't forget to be honest.

Make sure to put some extra logs on the campfire for me this weekend

2005-04-22T15:03:00.000-05:00

Sorry my posts are so long, I will try to make them shorter. This is a long one too though so get your popcorn...

I don’t think I’ve told any of you about my sister. My sister is 5 years younger than I am. She’s one of those people who used to feel entitled to everything, like the world owed her something. This is how she spent the latter part of her teenage years, mad at the world and know-it-all, typical teenager, I guess. She even threw a snit and ran away from home just before my wedding causing me to rush and ask my cousin to stand in for her. In short, she was a real asshole.

Fast-forward a couple years and she’s still not living at home but is slowly on the path to adulthood. She has an OK job and is still living with abusive boyfriend #1 but that’s on the way out. She breaks up with boyfriend #1 and starts dating a boy who we’ll call baby daddy-in-law (he is my sister’s baby daddy so I figure that makes him my sister’s baby daddy-in-law). They are together all of 2 months before she calls to tell me that she’s pregnant. This wonderful news comes right around the time when I’d just been laid off and at that point we’d been trying to conceive for 1 ½ years. I’m livid and all “why not me.” I don’t tell her that because I want to be supportive because until this point she’s been a general screw-up in life. I want her to know that she can come to me with any problems especially now since she’s pg. I’ve always wanted to have a good relationship with my sister, but it was difficult because there’s a pretty big age difference between us and our general attitudes are completely different. She always thought I was a goodie-two-shoes and she never took responsibility for anything. We were just different.

So now she’s pregnant and it’s heartbreaking for me. I didn’t talk to her much during the pregnancy, took some “me” time and tried to be a grown up. My mom wanted some help to throw a shower for her in July seeing as my sister was due in September. I swallowed my bitterness, washed it down with a nice shot of vodka (who am I kidding, several shots), and said bring on the baby bottle favors. So it was during the shower preparation that I found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled and immediately told my mom and husband’s mom and a few close friends. I wanted to wait to tell my sister till after her shower so she wouldn’t slip up and say anything in front of our friends and family at the shower. So I whispered it in her ear as we were leaving and most of the guests had gone. I was thrilled and thought finally that the universe was working in my favor.

We found out August 6, 2004 that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat but it had grown to the eight weeks it should’ve been. Of course I opted for a natural miscarriage and don’t know the cause. Now it was even harder to talk to my sister because she was in her 36th week of pregnancy. Once again, I had to swallow my bitterness and be an adult when all I wanted to do was roll around on the floor kicking my feet screaming why.

My nephew came in to this world September 7, 2004 and my sister’s life has been changed ever since. Seeing her in the hospital with him was like a knife in my heart. That should be me in the hospital bed with the new baby, the first grandbaby. It’s not fair.

He was an angel though. Never even made a peep when we were there. His perfection would be even more evident as time went on.

Husband had a really hard time at the hospital. He never appeared to be direly upset during the miscarriage. Don’t get me wrong, he was sad and grieved with me, but differently. He was visibly upset at the hospital and it made me even more sad and the fresh scab was picked and my heart started bleeding again.

So all this is the history to tell you why I’ll need the campfire to be extra warm for me this weekend. My nephew is being baptized Sunday and I’m the godmother. I made a promise to myself not long ago that I would no longer put a happy face on to allay everyone’s concerns. I decided that I would be a WYSIWIG gal and that was that. This weekend, however, I have to break the promise to myself, I have to pull the happy face out of the closet and iron it. I’ve got to be the good big sister and godmother this weekend. I love my nephew immensely. He is the best and cutest baby in the whole wide world. I want one too. I hope mine will be as perfect as he is.

My sister’s life is greatly improved and she appears to be on the right track now. She has realized what a screw up she was and has made peace with her old self. She is a wonderful mother and I thank God everyday that her baby came in to her life. If he hadn’t, who knows where she’d be now.

More confessions

2005-04-18T10:18:00.000-05:00

I have another confession for you…my husband doesn’t know about my blog. I mean he knows that I read several, hard to hide that on a Saturday morning when he comes down and sees bloglines open. I think hiding this from him will become harder and harder. He thinks blogs are self-absorbed rantings. I agree with him to a certain extent, but they are also a source of support for those of us on infertility island. I’m also having a hard time with it because we share everything. I have to give a bit of our history here for you to understand exactly what I mean.

Let me begin by throwing some numbers out there. We’ve known each other for 20 years, we’ve dated for 10, and we’ve been married 3 ½. I will also throw our ages in there, I am 26 and he is 25 (we’ll be 27 and 26 in August).

Our story begins in 2nd grade, I was new to the area and had moved around quite a bit before then. I was used to being the new girl. I’ve always been a bigger girl and I hated being the new, fat girl. Being the new, fat girl more often than I’d have liked gave me a really tough exterior. I remember being young and just hating everyone at a new school. In retrospect, I realize it was my defense mechanism, but at 7 years old you just don’t think about stuff like that. So I remember him from grade school and I hated him and was mean to him, just like everyone else. According to him, he hated me too. He specifically remembers an incident where the teacher had us draw stuff on the chalkboard and I made fun of his drawing. I don’t specifically remember this, but I believe him. He also tells me that he remembers using a Quija board with one of his friends and he asked it who he was going to marry and it said me. That’s freaky thing #1. (You better keep tally, they add up) My mom decided to transfer me from that school a few years later because it wasn’t challenging me enough. So I left that school at the end of fourth grade and started a new one in fifth grade. Yay, I got to be the new, fat girl...again. Husband left the school in fifth grade and went to a new school in the sixth grade. Very odd thing (freaky thing #2) about the new schools we both went to was that they were considered sister schools and often went on outings together. I never saw him at an outing but he swears we experienced the same things.

**Side note about the 1-year age difference. He was double promoted in grade school. When I went to the school in 2nd grade he was in 1st grade. He totally skipped 2nd grade and was in my class for 3rd grade. He is a super smart guy and that’s just another thing I love about him.**

So now we fast-forward a few years to high school…in 7th and 8th grade, I swore up and down and was very much looking forward to attending a high school not too far from where I lived, we’ll call this place C. I had big plans for myself at C. I had gone to all the orientations and get-to-know you stuff. I was going to get involved in the performing arts program they had there (the perfect thing to get involved in as I’m not a very creative person-I figured it could help fan any creative spark I may have). I was ready to go. Do not ask me what happened, because I, myself, do not know what happened. I swear it was like the movie “The Butterfly Effect” like I had a blackout moment and don’t know where the decision to change high schools came from. I wind up going to a completely different high school and it was way far from my house (freaky thing #3). As a side note, this high school was also far from husband’s house too, he was also supposed to go to a different school.

Since we were both relatively smart people, we both wind up in these high honors courses. Not just honors courses, we were in high honors courses, yes we were both super nerds. We are informed that there is only one high honors course for the whole school. So here we are, this group of 30 kids that will probably be together until we graduate. Some were lost and added along the way, but there were about 23 consistently there. Husband and I were among the core 23. Our first meeting was in study hall where I keenly observed and said to him “hey, you used to go to ___ school,” to which he replied “yeah.” He was really verbose (note the sarcasm). That was about all we said to each other during freshmen and sophomore year. He hung around with a completely different group of people. So, junior year comes around and we, of course, have chemistry class together (it’s ironic isn’t it, that we would have chemistry class together and that’s where our romance begins). I start talking to him and realize that he’s a really nice guy and he starts counseling me on my love life. At the time, I was dating a guy that wasn’t good for me. He was physically abusive and when you have the fat girl mentality you think any attention is better than no attention at all. So along comes husband, who is nice and listens and actually cares enough about me to tell me that this guy is no good. So I start to develop feelings for him. This happens during the early part of junior year. So over the course of that year, my feelings deepen and I started flirting. Of course, husband is a thick as a brick and doesn’t read the signals. It takes all junior year and we don’t officially start dating until July.

So things go along well for a few months and I decide, don’t ask where I get this from, that I want to lose my virginity soon. Of course I don’t say anything to husband about it, I expect him to be like any typical teenage boy and be all over it when we start dating. Well he decides that he wants to take things slow as he’s already ruined a relationship because he took things too quickly. I want none of that and immediately break up with him. I turn in to semi-slut, I lost my virginity to some guy at a party when both he and I were in a drunken stupor. In the light of day, I realize that he is a 28, ex-navy loser who still lives at home. Oh if I’d only had that 20/20 vision before. So here I am, a big, stupid idiot who broke things off with a genuinely nice guy and now what. Husband would not speak to me. He hated me and did everything he could to get his seating assignments changed. It was a hard thing because I, of course, wanted to be friends. He wasn’t having any of it. Finally I broke down, I went to a teacher that we both respected and that we had a class with that year and asked for his intervention. I will forever be grateful to Mr. Palmer. He’d known the both of us since we were wee freshmen and he was one of the 2 teachers that actually challenged and engaged us as a class. So Mr. Palmer is the one that talked some sense in to husband. In December of senior year, we finally got back together and all has been right with the world ever since.

I love my husband and can’t imagine my life without him. He truly is my best friend. We’ve shared everything together and now I have my blog. I almost feel as though I’m cheating on him.

I have a feeling that one day the cat will be out of the bag and my blog will be discovered. I only hope he takes it in stride. I also hope that MIL doesn't find the blog because we never told her the reason why I broke up with him. God help me if she does, cuz I will sure have some explaining to do.

Hope I didn’t bore you all to death. It’s just another piece of me that you now know.

You like me, you really really like me

2005-04-15T10:50:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the bad quote above, I just never knew how cool it could be to have people comment and such. I've now become a commenter on other people's blogs, you know the ones that I've been reading for months now. I feel like a member of the community. So I'd like to say thanks for commenting, I really like it. And thanks for the support too. This campfire thing is where it's at, thanks Mare. I just wanted to drop a quick line to let all you posters know that I read your comments and really appreciate them. Keep them coming.

I'll post a real entry later today about the dinner I had with my mom to talk about all this infertility stuff. You thought yesterday's post was long, wait till you see this one. For now, I will bask in the glow of being discovered.

It's been too long...

2005-04-14T13:48:00.000-05:00

Sorry it’s been so long my lovelies. You’ll all be happy to know that my body has stopped some of its revolt. I finally started spotting on Saturday. So at least the cycle has started. You’ll also be happy to know that my husband finally persuaded himself that we need to do something about the situation and that just waiting for it to happen naturally wasn’t getting us anywhere.

So I have to give a little background here. We were about to pursue treatments in June ‘04, we saw the RE, were going to go clomid and IUI for the next cycle. Lo and behold I was pregnant at the time we were making these arrangements. So fast forward to August, I had a couple spotting episodes and with each one ran to the OB/GYN as fast as I could for an ultrasound. The first ultrasound was early and everything looked OK. The last ultrasound was when we got the dreaded news that there was no heartbeat but the baby measured 8 weeks and I was at 8 weeks and 4 days. So the baby died just a few days before. It was devastating. I have no other words than that.

So September rolls around and I have my first post-m/c cycle. Everything appears to be going normally. I need to preface this “normally” by saying that I hadn’t had a normal cycle since I started metformin in January ‘04. So I thought I was getting back on track. Little was I aware of the revolt my body was planning. In December, my cycle was MIA for 60 days. I decided to take the provera I had laying around from my pre-metformin days so I could finally start the next cycle. Here comes the *confession* that I promised you lovelies from my last post. I got to be my own doctor for the months that followed. I had clomid lying around too and decided that I was going to make my body behave as it should and I naively thought the clomid would do this.

How on earth does my body know that I don’t have an MD from Harvard hanging from the wall of my perfectly decorated study? Huh? So I took the clomid and was excited when I got a positive OPK, my monitor was reading peak, and my bbt did exactly as it should all at the right time. I thought great at least I was able to accomplish that feat. My lp (luteal phase, for those of you not in the know) was 13-14 days pre-m/c so I assumed it would be the same on clomid and certainly not longer than the 18 days that FF (fertility friend) swears by. I start testing like a mad woman at 12 DPO (days post ovulation) and everything is negative. I finally slap and shake myself and say get a hold of yourself man. My period was 1 week overdue and I finally started the next cycle at 22 DPO. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse I took clomid the next month too. I wanted to prove to my body that I am a good doctor and know what I’m doing. So what if my Harvard degree was purchased on the internet and says that my name is Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy’s you know) and is not hanging in a perfectly decorated study but on the wall in my head. [You’ll soon learn about me, if you don’t already know, I go off on tangents, tirades, etc. on a whim. You’ll either love them or hate them.] So where was I, oh yes, I was talking about my latest Dr. Thomas prescribed cycle. I wound up going all the way till 29 DPO with this last one. So, to save my sanity, I’ve decided no more clomid. My husband was actually quite um…upset, no, disappointed, no, worried, a little, didn’t want me to do it was his general attitude. He thought I was insane to be taking these meds without doctor’s orders. I tried to explain to him that at one time they were given under doctor’s orders and that I thought that this was what the doctors would be doing anyway. He thought I should stop being Dr. Thomas and quit consulting with my best friend and colleague Dr. Google. But how, my friends, can you stop trying when you seemingly have everything at your fingertips and your husband wants to wait to seek professional help (an RE not a psychiatrist-although I may need one of those soon too).

I’ve now explained my last 2 cycles and why I need to take my Harvard MD off the wall in my head but let me explain the part where we wanted to wait to seek professional help. It wasn’t so much that WE wanted to wait it was that HE wanted to wait. I was on board with him on the thought till my body pulled it’s latest and decided to revolt. I was all for waiting and trying again “naturally” but my body had different ideas. Our thought was that if we did it once naturally we can do it again. We’re not sure what caused the m/c. It could’ve been my hormone imbalance meaning not enough progesterone to sustain things. God the guilt I’ve felt over that one. Or if it was chromosomal, it could’ve been his misshapen puppies. We know he has some. As my little intro says we have slight male factor. His numbers are slightly under the 20 million/mL that they like to see (analysis #1-19 million/mL, analysis #2-11 million/mL) and his morphology was low but I don’t remember if it was on the low side of normal or the high side of less than normal. Whatever the case, there’s nothing that can be done about it now. I’d even attempted to have recent discussion with him about wanting to see someone now and me being sick of waiting. I finally had it and said we are seeing someone in June if nothing happens before then. He agreed and became more comfortable with it as time went on.

So now we fast-forward to 2 weeks ago, my friend, who I lost touch with due to all this infertility crap (you know how it is, you isolate yourself and stop returning phone calls, etc), and her boyfriend and me and husband get together for lunch. Before getting together she and I have a nice re-connection and I explain to her about the fertility and the PCOS etc. She is going to school to be a doctor of physical therapy so she’s researching and stuff. She says she wants to help me with my condition and to do everything she can. She really is a good friend and I really missed her friendship. I know I’ve given you a lot of background here but I promise it’ll be worth it. When we get together for lunch, she has a gift for me. In the bag is the book “What to do when the doctor says its PCOS.” This was after I told her that I’d really done all the research and pretty much any book is gonna tell me all that I already know. Of course I said that before she gave me the book, I may be infertile, but I’m not a complete ass. So I feel really bad about it and profusely say thanks. So I’m in the middle of reading other books and that one is next on my pile. So I read the first few pages and haven’t had a chance to look at it since. In the meantime, husband picks up the book and reads the table of contents and flips to what he calls the meat of the book. He then comes to the realization that we’ve been waiting far too long and we really need to do something about this now. It was like one of those moments you see on TV or at the movies, the heavens opened up and the light shone down and the angles started singing halleluiah. At that moment I was the happiest woman in the world.

See, I told you there was a point. So the short of it is that we have an appt. with the same RE we saw the first time back in June ‘04 on May 4 at 11:30, that’s 19 days away. I can’t wait. Husband mostly agreed to it if we go back and tell him how it is, meaning we go in there and tell him that we want me fixed and we don’t want to jump on the IUI track right away. If he says no, we’re gonna do an IUI then we will go elsewhere. So, for now, I’m being optimistic and hoping that he’ll say that we can work on fixing me.

So that’s all for now, I think it’s an overdose too but there are gonna be times when there’s not much at all so these long posts make up for it.

Hope all is well in the infertile kingdom.

Hope you didn't miss me

2005-04-07T15:46:00.000-05:00

I just wrote a huge post complete with links and confessions and Blogger ate it. Is this some sort of blogging hazing that I just went through. Is this supposed to teach me to start a post in MS Word and then copy and paste to here. I think so. I'm packing up here so I guess I get to re-create today's post tomorrow.

Will you, my adoring fans, still be here tomorrow? I hope so, you don't want to miss my confession do you?

I have arrived!

2005-04-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

I am officially part of the blogging world. I've been trying for a week or so now to get my blog situated on Bloglines but it wasn't working. For whatever reason I couldn't publish the blog. So here I am. I've joined the Blogger family.

As you can see from the title, I am yet another infertility blog. I've been lurking on several infertility blogs for about 6 months now and I just love them and have become an addict. What better way to feed an addiction than by starting your own blog. Here are some excerpts from my first post about why I wanted to start a blog to begin with...

1.) I've been reading the blogs of other wonderful, infertile women and I thought, hey I could do this.

2.) The older I get, the more self-centered I become and I thought the perfect way to display my new found self-centeredness would be to create a place all about me.

3.) To keep a wonderful marriage. I am a pessimist by nature (I've noticed that's a trend among the blogs I read, I wonder if it's because we deal with infertility or because we're bloggers) and my husband is in the "just relax" group and as we all know, relaxing gets us no where. So I figure if I can be my true pessimistic self here then maybe I can save him from some of my pessimism drive-bys. We'll learn more about him as we go along.

4.) I need a hobby. I've never been one for hobbies or sports or anything like that. I know it's a waste of a brain but my hobby for the past 2 1/2 years has been trying to get myself knocked up. So I'm starting this blog just for me.

Can't really think of any other reasons right now. I'm a bit nervous and the more I type the more courage I work up to actually publish this. I'm now trying to think of a fitting, witty title. As you'll learn, I'm not a very snarky, witty gal but I want to be when I grow up.

I'm sure we'll learn all about each other as time goes on. Can't wait.